This piece is an act of loving arms being wrapped around those who are in midlife, and when all is stripped back, are having an effing hard time.
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The raw reality of shit hitting fan, and a feeling of no way to reach the off button.
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To those who are eating for health, meditating, Yoga Nidra-ing, resting, connecting to joy and pleasure, slowing down, using breathwork, taking herbs, homeopathy, tapping into creativity, maybe in therapy, perhaps having regular body treatments…but the struggle is still painfully real.
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Those who are finding midlife incredibly challenging, but balk at hashtags such as #menopausesucks.
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No, you hold the firm belief that menopause is a time of growth and education about ourselves, and that as we age we are not driven by the continuous Western patriarchal narrative, that we must hold on to our younger selves. As our older selves are worth that much less. Those who have no desire to cling on to youth and oestrogen as the route to vitality. Those who embrace the saggy parts of us, the grey hairs, the wrinkles that speak volumes about our lived experience. Yet, despite these firmly held values on ageing, are still ticking the symptomatic boxes of perimenopause and menopause (medically speaking).
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You’ve read the best books (and there are some brilliant reads out there at the moment), limited your social media to inspiring voices on midlife and menopause, with perhaps a fantasy that health and wellness will ease into your psyche, because the positive narrative about the menopause experience is the way to stay empowered and healthy. But it’s not actually a reality for you. A positive message IS a great thing, but bypassing reality when you’re in the middle of a shitstorm may only help on a surface level.
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You may align yourself to the energies of the moon, the seasons, choose crystals to pop in your bra (if you can still handle wearing one), notice when planets are in retrograde, connect to guardian angels, have faith that Spirit and the Universe have your back, or maybe a religious belief gives you equal comfort. Maybe you’re EFT-ing, EMDR-ing, TRE-ing. Perhaps there are breakthroughs, releases, yet…there is no real let up to your physical or mental health challenges.
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I’ve studied, taught, actively share the positivity around cycle awareness, work deeply with the Menstrual Seasons, co-developed the Life Seasons model which is right there in print, in the wonderful Secong Spring by Kate Codrington, supported others to have empowering menstrual and menopause experiences, extolled the powers of midlife, raised womb wisdom awareness, and personally, I’ve been ‘doing the work’ continuously for many many years.
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In collapse
Yet, I find myself in perimenopause, in collapse. Some would call it burn-out. The fan is still flinging shit around, which honestly is the last thing you need during a hot flush or night sweat.
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What this looks like for me is a ramping up of symptoms of ME/CFS, fibromyalgia, PoTS or a similar form of dysautonomia, IBS and various gastric funnies, possibly adenomyosis (the pain is horrifically real…), PMDD, ADHD.
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HRT is not an option, due to hypersensitivity when introducing hormones into my body, or any medication for that matter.
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This info isn’t shared for sympathy, it’s really not. Please don’t let your head do a sympathetic side tilt. It’s simply a statement of fact and where I am right now.
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I’ve looked for a voice on social media that is aligned to where I am in this cauldron of perimenopause, but haven’t quite found a fit.
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I’m not sure if I have the energy right now to become that voice, which makes this single blog post, a holler of appreciation, recognition and allyship.
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As an act of deep kindness to myself, I deleted all the socials from my phone last year, and took a three month break from the ‘noise’. When I returned, I stayed hidden and not engaging, while I eased myself back in for a few months. This gave me a chance to observe, ignore and often rage!
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Polarised menopause
Witnessing the polarised output when it comes to perimenopause and menopause is infuriating and heart breaking.
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In one corner of the ring there’s HRT as a cure-all. Without it, we’ll all crumble and die an awful death, if we don’t keep our oestrogen/progesterone/testosterone topped up. The message that we must retain our oestrogenic youth, or else we’ll end up on the forgotten heap, mainly because menopause is a medical condition that requires fixing. There are few words in this corner on the subject of lifestyle to care for yourself in midlife.
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I am in no way against the use of HRT, I have seen it support the menopause journey, and it’s hugely important that we have choice in our menopause care. It’s simply the message that everyone who is in menopause must take it or else you’re done for, I find hard to swallow.
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In the opposite corner of the ring is the message of empowerment through aging proudly and powerfully. Possibly, but certainly not always, without HRT. The declaration in this corner is that menopause is a life-affirming time, definitely not a medical issue to be diagnosed, rather, a rite of passage like menarche, our first bleed. A time when we may feel as though everything is falling apart, but we must listen to the messages coming through, to enable us to enter post menopause, Second Spring, a renewed version of ourselves.
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Although my hat falls to this side of the ring, sometimes there’s not enough space given for the struggles that are real. There’s a slight undercurrent of failure if you’re not getting on top of those physical, mental and soulful struggles that show up in midlife. Or maybe that’s my inner critic grumbling away. Perhaps, when the message is only that of menopause positivity, it becomes a bit othering. It’s not always easy to truly feel positive about menopause when that shit-storm is raging.
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What it looks like on the ground
I’m 52, with a cycle that is more regular than ever in my life. There are clear changes; shorter bleed time and much less bleeding. I feel the diminishing nature of my blood. I’m ovulating, early, regularly and with vigour, which as the months and years build, I feel a sigh of disappointment escape when I see the ovulatory mucus arrive.
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The disappointment is directly linked to the extreme pain I experience while I’m bleeding. My womb is happy place and she bleeds peacefully, the agony I experience is in my groin – an odd and disconcerting area of pain to navigate. I don’t think medically I’ll ever get an answer, but the intensity is how endometriosis or adenomyosis is described. A couple of months ago I named this pain Cujo to help me connect with the rabid dog-style of agony I experience. There’s nuance to my feelings around my cycle. Yes, I am immersed in the beauty of menstrual cycle awareness and loving my cycle, while also knowing that I’m guaranteed to be in a distressing amount on pain, and all that’s brought with it (nausea, not knowing where to put my body, no escape, etc). I’d be lying to say that this pain is an empowering experience. No, it’s a traumatic experience.
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Symptoms of the ME/CFS and fibromyalgia all intensify in the build up to bleeding. I have to acknowledge what I’m not capable of doing for a week before and during my bleed. That’s on top of the ‘normal’ rest encouraged with the practice of cycle awareness and menopause self-care.
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In reality it’s a perfect storm. Perimenopause, ME/CFS and Fibromyalgia, plus the number of “friends” it brings with it (PoTs/dysautonomia, gastric issues, etc), and ADHD, and whatever is causing Cujo to bear it’s rabid teeth. It’s important to say, for those of us who have a ‘shopping list’ of conditions, it’s no coincidence. Something is happening systemically for all this to show up. I’ll talk about that later.
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I have no clue what my body will be doing once my menstrual cycle has stopped, and there’s no more rise and fall of oestrogen, progesterone and pals. In all honesty it’s a scary thought…can things get any worse?
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How I resource myself in these muddy and challenging waters?
Through my search for ways to ease ME/CFS, it’s become crystal clear that trauma, a combo of early developmental trauma, birth trauma, developmental trauma, ancestral trauma, shock trauma, and long term stress, has put me into a deep state of fight, flight (ADHD) and freeze (ME/CFS, fibro). The collapse I talked of earlier.
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When fight, flight AND freeze are heightened, our bodies and minds will shout out with the syndromal conditions that are on my ‘shopping list’ (seriously, I’m ready for a refund).
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As these traumas have been held in my nervous system, unknowingly, without the healing amount of loving care and attention needed, all parts of me are now calling out to be nurtured in a different way.
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I am currently placing a huge amount of trust in the depth of work I’m doing to regulate my sympathetic nervous system, and thaw out my deeply frozen parasympathetic nervous system.
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Holding the belief that entering the menopause phase, the Life Season of Winter, with a more regulated nervous system, feels the kindest way I can nurture myself.
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We can cognitively work with our nervous system, which I’ve done for eons. I choose to be in nature as often as possible, eat foods that bring me joy as well as health, laugh with friends and family, self-pleasure, sing…you’ll have your own list of nervous system calmers. But I’m learning that these serve more as resources, rather than having a lasting impact on the dysregulation. It’s the reason why all the herbs, homeopathy, self-care, self-compassion, food for health, etc, have not really made a dent in the health challenges I experience. Instead they have only spiralled downwards the further I head towards menopause.
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There are many great somatic, polyvagal, nervous system teachers out there. I found a teacher who really spoke to me when I heard her say that she doesn’t ask her students and clients what their trauma experience has been. Just how it’s showing up for them in their nervous system. We can get bogged down in story and identity when we’ve experienced trauma. Her work came from a different, more liberating angle, and in the months I’ve been doing the work I can see definite signs of regulation and thawing taking place. It’s very early days though, and the neurosensory exercises and knowledge are there to be integrated into life, not just for the short term.
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If you feel drawn to this particular teacher, her name is Irene Lyon and she has a ton of free resources on YouTube and via her website.
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I’m also under the care of the Optimum Health Clinic for nutrition and psychology coaching. The clinic only works with folk who have ME/CFS, fibromyalgia and would also be of support to Long Covid.
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Community
We can’t do this alone.
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Yet it can be hard to find allies who really understand each of our unique journeys with perimenopause and menopause, to feel really heard.
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I co-hold a space on Facebook with Kate Codrington, a group called Woman Kind, and it’s a true balm to the polarisation of social media midlife narrative. We hold space to simply drop your bundle and share. No judgement, no advice unless asking for some, just support from a courageous, down to earth and beautiful-souled group of folk. We usually keep the group closed and private, only opening up membership (no charge, it’s the best unpaid job in the world) about once a year.
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Right now, we’re open to new community members, closing the doors again on 21st May 2023 if you’d love to join.
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Our menopause challenges, if we have them, are so individual and can leave us incredibly lonely; yet we find common themes that allow us to know we don’t have to travel this path alone.
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Personally, I’m here with a virtual hand on your back, and an extra nod of understanding if your journey in any way mirrors mine.
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Yes! Thank you for your words and sharing your experience. I’m in a state of thinking is it ADHD and years of masking that’s making me feel like I’m loosing my mind or/ and peri menopause.
The lack of understanding by GPs with regards to Adenomyosis and Endometriosis is astonishing and left me feeling very confused and disappointed in their ability to help. So I pain manage myself through self massage and treat the constant up down of my mind and emotions with herbs and kindness.
It’s tough though and there are some dark days.
Sending love
Good to hear from you Marissa.
Yes, when I understood the impact of of ADHD, it brought a whole new level of acceptance to myself.
With the adenomyosis and endometriosis, who knows our bodies more than ourselves? The medical world lets us down continually in this area of medicine. Thankful that we both have the resources to be kind to ourselves.
Huge love through the tough and dark days.
Thank you so so much for sharing!
Also in the ADHD and fatigue camp..it’s incredibly helpful and validating to hear from others