I’m doing everything, why do I still feel like s**t?

This piece is an act of loving arms being wrapped around those who are in midlife, and when all is stripped back, are having an effing hard time.
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The raw reality of shit hitting fan, and a feeling of no way to reach the off button.
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To those who are eating for health, meditating, Yoga Nidra-ing, resting, connecting to joy and pleasure, slowing down, using breathwork, taking herbs, homeopathy, tapping into creativity, maybe in therapy,  perhaps having regular body treatments…but the struggle is still painfully real.
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Those who are finding midlife incredibly challenging, but balk at hashtags such as  #menopausesucks.
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No, you hold the firm belief that menopause is a time of growth and education about ourselves, and that as we age we are not driven by the continuous Western patriarchal narrative, that we must hold on to our younger selves. As our older selves are worth that much less. Those who have no desire to cling on to youth and oestrogen as the route to vitality. Those who embrace the saggy parts of us, the grey hairs, the wrinkles that speak volumes about our lived experience. Yet, despite these firmly held values on ageing, are still ticking the symptomatic boxes of perimenopause and menopause (medically speaking).
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You’ve read the best books (and there are some brilliant reads out there at the moment), limited your social media to inspiring voices on midlife and menopause, with perhaps a fantasy that health and wellness will ease into your psyche, because the positive narrative about the menopause experience is the way to stay empowered and healthy. But it’s not actually a reality for you. A positive message IS a great thing, but bypassing reality when you’re in the middle of a shitstorm may only help on a surface level.
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You may align yourself to the energies of the moon, the seasons, choose crystals to pop in your bra (if you can still handle wearing one), notice when planets are in retrograde, connect to guardian angels, have faith that Spirit and the Universe have your back, or maybe a religious belief gives you equal comfort. Maybe you’re EFT-ing, EMDR-ing, TRE-ing. Perhaps there are breakthroughs, releases, yet…there is no real let up to your physical or mental health challenges.
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I’ve studied, taught, actively share the positivity around cycle awareness, work deeply with the Menstrual Seasons, co-developed the Life Seasons model which is right there in print, in the wonderful Secong Spring by Kate Codrington, supported others to have empowering menstrual and menopause experiences, extolled the powers of midlife, raised womb wisdom awareness, and personally, I’ve been ‘doing the work’ continuously for many many years.
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In collapse

Yet, I find myself in perimenopause, in collapse. Some would call it burn-out. The fan is still flinging shit around, which honestly is the last thing you need during a hot flush or night sweat.
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What this looks like for me is a ramping up of symptoms of ME/CFS, fibromyalgia, PoTS or a similar form of dysautonomia, IBS and various gastric funnies, possibly adenomyosis (the pain is horrifically real…), PMDD, ADHD.
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HRT is not an option, due to hypersensitivity when introducing hormones into my body, or any medication for that matter.
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This info isn’t shared for sympathy, it’s really not. Please don’t let your head do a sympathetic side tilt.  It’s simply a statement of fact and where I am right now.
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I’ve looked for a voice on social media that is aligned to where I am in this cauldron of perimenopause, but haven’t quite found a fit.
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I’m not sure if I have the energy right now to become that voice, which makes this single blog post, a holler of appreciation, recognition and allyship.
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As an act of deep kindness to myself, I deleted all the socials from my phone last year, and took a three month break from the ‘noise’. When I returned, I stayed hidden and not engaging, while I eased myself back in for a few months. This gave me a chance to observe, ignore and often rage!

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Polarised menopause

Witnessing the polarised output when it comes to perimenopause and menopause is infuriating and heart breaking.
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In one corner of the ring there’s HRT as a cure-all. Without it, we’ll all crumble and die an awful death, if we don’t keep our oestrogen/progesterone/testosterone topped up. The message that we must retain our oestrogenic youth, or else we’ll end up on the forgotten heap, mainly because menopause is a medical condition that requires fixing. There are few words in this corner on the subject of lifestyle to care for yourself in midlife.
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I am in no way against the use of HRT, I have seen it support the menopause journey, and it’s hugely important that we have choice in our menopause care. It’s simply the message that everyone who is in menopause must take it or else you’re done for, I find hard to swallow.
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In the opposite corner of the ring is the message of empowerment through aging proudly and powerfully. Possibly, but certainly not always, without HRT. The declaration in this corner is that menopause is a life-affirming time, definitely not a medical issue to be diagnosed, rather, a rite of passage like menarche, our first bleed. A time when we may feel as though everything is falling apart, but we must listen to the messages coming through, to enable us to enter post menopause, Second Spring, a renewed version of ourselves.
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Although my hat falls to this side of the ring, sometimes there’s not enough space given for the struggles that are real. There’s a slight undercurrent of failure if you’re not getting on top of those physical, mental and soulful struggles that show up in midlife. Or maybe that’s my inner critic grumbling away. Perhaps, when the message is only that of menopause positivity, it becomes a bit othering. It’s not always easy to truly feel positive about menopause when that shit-storm is raging.
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What it looks like on the ground

I’m 52, with a cycle that is more regular than ever in my life. There are clear changes; shorter bleed time and much less bleeding. I feel the diminishing nature of my blood. I’m ovulating, early, regularly and with vigour, which as the months and years build, I feel a sigh of disappointment escape when I see the ovulatory mucus arrive.
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The disappointment is directly linked to the extreme pain I experience while I’m bleeding. My womb is happy place and she bleeds peacefully, the agony I experience is in my groin – an odd and disconcerting area of pain to navigate. I don’t think medically I’ll ever get an answer, but the intensity is how endometriosis or adenomyosis is described. A couple of months ago I named this pain Cujo to help me connect with the rabid dog-style of agony I experience. There’s nuance to my feelings around my cycle. Yes, I am immersed in the beauty of menstrual cycle awareness and loving my cycle, while also knowing that I’m guaranteed to be in a distressing amount on pain, and all that’s brought with it (nausea, not knowing where to put my body, no escape, etc). I’d be lying to say that this pain is an empowering experience. No, it’s a traumatic experience.
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Symptoms of the ME/CFS and fibromyalgia all intensify in the build up to bleeding. I have to acknowledge what I’m not capable of doing for a week before and during my bleed. That’s on top of the ‘normal’ rest encouraged with the practice of cycle awareness and menopause self-care.
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In reality it’s a perfect storm. Perimenopause, ME/CFS and Fibromyalgia, plus the number of “friends” it brings with it (PoTs/dysautonomia, gastric issues, etc), and ADHD, and whatever is causing Cujo to bear it’s rabid teeth. It’s important to say, for those of us who have a ‘shopping list’ of conditions, it’s no coincidence. Something is happening systemically for all this to show up. I’ll talk about that later.
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I have no clue what my body will be doing once my menstrual cycle has stopped, and there’s no more rise and fall of oestrogen, progesterone and pals. In all honesty it’s a scary thought…can things get any worse?
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How I resource myself in these muddy and challenging waters?

Through my search for ways to ease ME/CFS, it’s become crystal clear that trauma, a combo of early developmental trauma, birth trauma, developmental trauma, ancestral trauma, shock trauma, and long term stress, has put me into a deep state of fight, flight (ADHD) and freeze (ME/CFS, fibro). The collapse I talked of earlier.
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When fight, flight AND freeze are heightened, our bodies and minds will shout out with the syndromal conditions that are on my ‘shopping list’ (seriously, I’m ready for a refund).
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As these traumas have been held in my nervous system, unknowingly, without the healing amount of loving care and attention needed, all parts of me are now calling out to be nurtured in a different way.
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I am currently placing a huge amount of trust in the depth of work I’m doing to regulate my sympathetic nervous system, and thaw out my deeply frozen parasympathetic nervous system.
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Holding the belief that entering the menopause phase, the Life Season of Winter, with a more regulated nervous system, feels the kindest way I can nurture myself.
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We can cognitively work with our nervous system, which I’ve done for eons. I choose to be in nature as often as possible, eat foods that bring me joy as well as health, laugh with friends and family, self-pleasure, sing…you’ll have your own list of nervous system calmers. But I’m learning that these serve more as resources, rather than having a lasting impact on the dysregulation. It’s the reason why all the herbs, homeopathy, self-care, self-compassion, food for health, etc, have not really made a dent in the health challenges I experience. Instead they have only spiralled downwards the further I head towards menopause.
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There are many great somatic, polyvagal, nervous system teachers out there. I found a teacher who really spoke to me when I heard her say that she doesn’t ask her students and clients what their trauma experience has been. Just how it’s showing up for them in their nervous system. We can get bogged down in story and identity when we’ve experienced trauma. Her work came from a different, more liberating angle, and in the months I’ve been doing the work I can see definite signs of regulation and thawing taking place. It’s very early days though, and the neurosensory exercises and knowledge are there to be integrated into life, not just for the short term.
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If you feel drawn to this particular teacher, her name is Irene Lyon and she has a ton of free resources on YouTube and via her website.
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I’m also under the care of the Optimum Health Clinic for nutrition and psychology coaching. The clinic only works with folk who have ME/CFS, fibromyalgia and would also be of support to Long Covid.
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Community

We can’t do this alone.
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Yet it can be hard to find allies who really understand each of our unique journeys with perimenopause and menopause, to feel really heard.
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I co-hold a space on Facebook with Kate Codrington, a group called Woman Kind, and it’s a true balm to the polarisation of social media midlife narrative. We hold space to simply drop your bundle and share. No judgement, no advice unless asking for some, just support from a courageous, down to earth and beautiful-souled group of folk. We usually keep the group closed and private, only opening up membership (no charge, it’s the best unpaid job in the world) about once a year.
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Right now, we’re open to new community members, closing the doors again on 21st May 2023 if you’d love to join.
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Our menopause challenges, if we have them, are so individual and can leave us incredibly lonely; yet we find common themes that allow us to know we don’t have to travel this path alone.
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Personally, I’m here with a virtual hand on your back, and an extra nod of understanding if your journey in any way mirrors mine.
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Eternal Mothering

The threshold ⁣
Of motherhood⁣
Is crossed.⁣
Our being ⁣
Shifts,⁣
From the moment ⁣
We share space ⁣
With another. ⁣
Yet who will also mother us?⁣
When they stay,⁣
We are joyous.⁣
If it’s not their ⁣
Time to stay,⁣
We grieve and we grieve. ⁣
And we’re grateful they chose us for a while. ⁣
And always,⁣
We will be their mother. ⁣
But in the pain who mothers us? ⁣
When our lives⁣
Are graced,⁣
And they join us earthside,⁣
Mothering consumes us. ⁣
Through breast or bottle ⁣
We feed them. ⁣
Through voice ⁣
And song ⁣
We comfort them. ⁣
We guide them,⁣
Teach them.⁣
And who mothers us?⁣
Sometimes our mothering is inspired. ⁣
Sometimes not so. ⁣
Sometimes our love is welcomed,⁣
Sometimes rejected. ⁣
Sometimes there’s the indifference⁣
Of familiarity.⁣
Then, who mothers us?⁣
They find their own way.⁣
We encourage their flourishing. ⁣
We cheerlead them on their path, ⁣
With the blessings ⁣
From a mother’s heart. ⁣
A mother’s heart,⁣
Who will always ⁣
Yearn for the cuddles,⁣
Singing together,⁣
Giggles and play. ⁣
Because who mothers us?⁣
And we hope,⁣
When Larkin says⁣
We fuck them up,⁣
That it’s minimal,⁣
And that they grow, ⁣
And that they flourish, ⁣
And that they thrive on their path. ⁣
Through all our hoping,⁣
Who mothers us?⁣
At day’s end, ⁣
Do we even notice⁣
The child within,
Longing too to be mothered?⁣
Our mothering, ⁣
In all its guises,⁣
Never rests.⁣

You’re not getting it wrong

“You’re not eating the right foods

You’re not exercising the right way

You don’t practice enough gratitude

You’re not spiritual enough

You’re not evolved enough

You’re not meditating enough

There aren’t enough positive thoughts in your day

You’re not reading the right books

You’re not listening to the right teachers

You’re not taking the right supplements or enough of them

Or on the other hand…

You’re not choosing to take medication, as honestly, you don’t need to be a martyr to pain…”

 

These are just some of the insidious words that can swirl around our heads when we’re on a healing journey, particularly a healing path with a chronic condition.

 

Next year, I will have spent a quarter of a century in the well-being community. We’re passionate about our craft, our skills, our knowledge. We’ve seen the wisdom we impart work beautifully with clients. We work from the heart, and we work as a force for good. All of this an absolute truth.

 

What happens, though, when we and our clients are surrounded by the vastness of wisdom and knowledge? With so many choices and avenues to head down?

 

Is it possible that there’s the potentially creeping message of not getting it quite right? If you’re not seeing improvements in health or wellbeing, you’re not doing enough? Or you haven’t found the right healing path? And that most insidious phrase of the inner critic…you’re not enough?

 

We are, of course, constantly evolving and learning, and sometimes the path that will be of most benefit, is still waiting for us. We need to be careful though, as that skulking message of not being enough, can worm it’s way into our pyche.

 

With my practitioner hat on, I direct my energies to the healing potential of womb work, the power of menstrual cycle awareness, and how to move through menopause in a conscious and reflective way. Yes, I’ve been evangelical about the modalities, staying true and authentic to the way I have seen the work change lives, my own life included.

 

Without hyperbole, the work has readied me for the challenges that I may or may not face over the course of the rest of my life.

 

Better days, but not getting better

 

How do practitioners and those around us respond to a condition that is also not curable. In fact a condition that is as hard to comprehend, as it is to pronounce, and therefore not easy to engage with.

 

I am a practitioner, but also someone with a chronic and incurable condition.

 

I have a cyst in my spinal cord, part of my Central Nervous System. The cyst is known as a syrinx, and those with a syrinx have a condition called Syringomyelia. In my case, it’s congenital so the syrinx formed while I was in the womb.

 

Strange terminology, and a condition that is considered to be rare (although I’m not convinced it is that rare, but that’s for another time!)

 

It’s interesting having a condition that is not only unrelatable, but hard to pronounce! Due to it’s “otherness”, the condition, by it’s nature doesn’t create a culture of general understanding. It’s a little too alien for that.

 

Although, to be fair, information available about it is very limited and, at present, not enough research in the UK has been put into it.

 

The added bonus of Syringomyelia is that many find that it’s not a stand-alone condition; it’s usually present  amongst other syndromes and medical challenges for us.

 

I’ve been told I also have Fibromyalgia and have had Irritable Bowel Syndrome for as long as I can remember. Whether you’re in the well-being community or not, Fibromyalgia and IBS are more familiar terms; more relatable. More information and resources are at hand to share, and therefore to offer the possibility of help and support.

 

On the scale of how much these syndromes affect our lives, IBS can be anywhere between an annoyance and debilitating; a Fibromylagia flare up on the other hand is most definitely debilitating.

 

If you add Syringomyelia back into the mix though, what you have is a condition where there’s the possibility of the Central Nervous System being interrupted, that the body’s reactions and responses may not be as expected.

 

This makes so much sense to me after the many years of trying numerous modalities, and being confused why I seemed to respond in the opposite way. I always wondered why acupuncture exacerbated symptoms!

 

The moment of epiphany for me, was listening to a talk recently given by Anthony Williams, known as the Medical Medium. Much of his work is directed at those with chronic conditions, such as Epstein Barr, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Fibromyalgia and digestive issues.

 

He was talking about those of us walking around, trying to cope with chronic conditions, and not knowing WHY we have them. He has his theories, his belief systems and methods of improving health. He has a huge following, however his protocols don’t resonate with me personally.

 

My epiphanic moment though, was realising that I DO know the WHY for these chronic conditions I’m living with. My Central Nervous System has an interruption in it. I have a syrinx, a cyst in my spinal cord. Not a cyst ON my spine, but IN my spinal cord.

 

In it’s simplest form, the Central Nervous System is the part of us that tells our body what and what not to do. It’s the communication hub for everything we do, from breathing (communicating with our autonomic nervous system) to urinating, to moving.

 

It’s therefore a crucial part of the human body to not be firing at full capacity!

 

For those of us who have been supporting ourselves for years, spending probably thousands of pounds, trying to find foods, exercise/movement, spiritual guidance, and modalities to support us, somewhere along the line, the message has popped into my head – “I’m getting it wrong”.

 

This has called for me to take an about-turn in perspective, and in the process, ease of my own mental health.

 

How might it feel to be at peace with NOT trying to get BETTER, but instead focussing on ways to have BETTER DAYS? Suddenly meeting Syringomyelia becomes less of mountain to climb.

 

In our “fix-it” culture, though I’m not sure how well that sits.

 

My question is, who’s with me?

 

Who’s on their own journey with a chronic condition and simply wants to enjoy better days?

 

Or just as potently, who, as a practitioner can support those with a chronic condition to enjoy better days, rather than looking to fix the condition?

 

Not giving up, but not fighting

 

What does it mean, living with an incurable condition such as Syringomyelia? Yes, there’s the possibility of it not getting any worse, however, it’s clear my symptoms have worsened. Yes, there’s the possibility of it progressing, that’s a fact, but absolutely NOT A GIVEN.

 

However, bear in mind that straining when doing a poo, or picking up an object that’s too heavy are ways that a Syrinx can worsen. It’s not necessarily hard to create situations for deterioration and progression.

 

Perhaps it really is as simple as relinquishing to knowing that I will NOT get better, but I WILL feel better on some days.

 

Some folks use the term “warrior” when it comes to fighting chronic conditions.

 

For myself the “warrior” term, and “fighting” is counter intuitive. If I’m chronically fatigued, why would fighting be a congruent and effective way of approaching these conditions?

 

What if “being” with the condition, listening to what it’s asking of me, conversing with it, playing around with what might help, my nervous system can be calmed rather than over-burdened.

 

This approach really is born out of the menstrual cycle and menopause awareness work: listening to my needs. Not necessarily conforming to societal and linear expectations for health conditions to have a beginning and an end. There’s so much more in between.

 

The possibility that following the path of least resistance, can lead to a more soothed soul.

 

I do though, also understand the need for others to step into warrior mode, it places us in a stance of action, not taking what we’re being faced with lying down, it’s something to overcome. I get it, I really do. It’s just not my chosen direction for this situation.

 

If I was looking at a condition that was curable, had an end point, yes I subscribe to standing as a warrior. In fact, it was how I approached having ankle surgery last year. With one foot in surrendering to the length of time the recovery would take, and the other in warrior mode; working diligently and valiantly, seeing the ankle healed and holding me with certainty and strength. Little did I know that my Central Nervous System was choosing a different path for me.

 

The reason I feel compelled to write this piece is as a support to those of us living with chronic conditions; that we’re not getting it wrong, whatever healing path calls us.

 

Not getting it wrong to be looking to create better days. It’s not fatalistic, it’s calming and a relief to stop the quest for health perfection.

 

And lets face it, trying to perfect anything in these Covid times, with all the outside pressures of living during a pandemic; it’s just a pressure too far!

 

If you’ve sat with me as I’ve held space for you in a treatment, led a meditation for you, held space in circle, heard your words; you know that I always invite you to meet where you are, that all is as it’s meant to be in that moment.

 

The message always is – you are not getting it wrong and that you are enough.

 

I’m not getting it wrong; I am enough.

Edit:

It’s been so insightful hearing other’s experiences who have been kind enough to read the piece. The words of a wise yoga teacher have stayed with me. She shared the yogic perspective of the Warrior; that of strength, courage and resilience, rather than of fighting.

It made me take a breath, and acknowledge how all of the warrior aspects have kept me moving, learning and even supporting others in the work I share.

At the beginning of the year, I set an intention of TRUST for 2020, you know, a word of the year kind of thing. Nearly every day I’ve spoken a mantra of ” I welcome TRUST (yes upper case TRUST!) into all aspects of my life”.  Dear goddess, has it held me while symptoms have worsened, other challenges have come my way, and in the outside world, living through a pandemic!

Is it possible to be a Warrior of TRUST!

The Perimenopausal Solo Traveller

In her midlife, every woman deserves a chance to go travelling alone; just to test the possibility of rolling with “fuck it”

Phase of separation

The teachings of Red School tell us that there are psycho-spiritual phases of menopause that we move through. This knowledge is gold, and a way to keep us anchored and sane on the uneasy path of midlife shifting. The first phase we enter in perimenopause, is the chamber of separation.

What does that look like? Probably the most disquieting time of the menopause journey, because the call to be separate from, well, sometimes everyone and everything, can be extraordinarily strong.

Solo travel opportunity

This summer I was blessed to have had the opportunity to travel to Bali and Australia. The trip to Bali was to complete my teacher training in Womb and Fertility Massage Therapy. Then on to Australia to spend time with my beloved aunt and cousins. Circumstance meant that I was to be travelling alone, as my family wasn’t able to join me on my adventures.

As I hugged my darling ones tight at the airport, and walked through passport control, this midlife traveller was oozing excitement. The prospect of heading to the other side of the world, only having to look out for myself, was actually quite exquisite. I was fully embracing separation.

Easeful in separation

Travelling while in the phase of separation felt utterly easeful. I didn’t have to worry about anyone else’s needs but my own.

Flying to the other side of the world and back did, of course, mean spending time in the company of the same group of people for an entire day each way. But, I was able create my own travel bubble, so that I would only chat if I wanted to. In reality, “fuck it” I really didn’t want to! Small talk with those around me was kept to a minimum.

The freedom was there to observe parents, often with an exhausted look in their eye, as they had to navigate the challenges of long-haul travel with their little ones.

Before perimenopause, the yells of other’s young children would have yanked at my heartstrings, but with perimenopause, there’s a shift. “Fuck it”. There’s no need to take on the screams and yells of the intensity the children felt at take-off and landing; I knew they were safe in their parents’ arms. I was simply able to offer the parents a supportive nod and understanding smile.

Mapping out my own space in the small, tight environment of an economy class plane seat even felt unproblematic. Sitting next to a couple of women chatting about Love Island, again I could phase it out and concentrate on my book, choose a film, do a bit of writing. “Fuck it”, there was an element of joy connected to only choosing self-care. Just to switch on relaxing meditative music to drown out the constant rushing sound of the aeroplane so I could try and sleep, was bliss. There was no call to think of anyone else’s sleep needs.

Travelling through I don’t know how many time zones, and only having to take care of my own discombobulation was a huge relief. The brain fog of perimenopause was going through several multiples of intensity. Could I have taken on anyone else’s jet lag? Phew, I didn’t have to!

Vulnerability

That said, I was travelling with an injury, which pricked at my vulnerability. Severe ligament and tendon damage to my ankle, meant a countdown to whether or not travel was even going to be possible. The vulnerability sat in opening myself up to accepting assistance at each airport.

The experience of sitting in a wheelchair, being pushed around by various strangers, was a true lesson in surrender. Surrender is the next chamber of menopause after separation. This meant dipping my toe quite deeply in this phase.

Not simply the practicalities of surrendering to my inability to walk long distances, but to the vulnerability that I found myself steeped in. The discomfort of being in a wheelchair was immense. Accepting help in this way, when in my heart surely I’m an independent, vibrant and very mobile person. It was a challenge.

The wonder and upside of airport assistance, though, was being whizzed through customs and passport control at each of the eight flights I took!

Of course, there was the physical side of perimenopause; the odd hot flush, interesting experience on a plane; insomnia; aches and pains; and a crazy-ass short 18 day cycle, all came with me on my travels. But I could breathe through each menopause manifestation, without having to concern myself with anyone else.

Nervous? Me? I don’t think so

Before I went away, a male friend asked me if I was nervous about going? I was quite shocked to be asked this question. Would he have asked my husband the same question? Did I give the impression that travelling alone was going to be a nerve-wracking experience? Was it a misogynistic expectation that I needed a man to make me feel safe when I travel? Was it other women he knew who may have been genuinely nervous about travelling alone, being projected on to me?

Was I nervous? Absolutely not. Even with the injury, I was only excited. “Fuck it” hey, we have Whats App and Facetime to stay in touch with loved ones now! Separation was firmly holding me.

While in Bali, as my fellow sisters gathered for our Womb and Fertility Massage teacher training, we did experience a few of the earthquakes that claimed far too many lives in Lombok. As the effects of the earthquakes emerged and the number of lives lost rose, my soul was rocked. But during the earthquakes, there was a definite feel of “fuck it” in me. If my life was going to end, what a beautiful place to transition; surrendering to mortality.

Gratitude

I would absolutely love to go back to Bali with my husband and children. For a different experience of family togetherness in a country that took my heart. And without the support of my husband, who took over full parenting while I was away, I could not have taken the trip, and for that I will always be grateful. But the gift of travelling while in the phase of separation was truly liberating, and an experience I will treasure as part of my menopause journey.

Perimenopause Unwrapped

To explore your own perimenopause journey through a self-directed program, Perimenopause Unwrapped is available to dive in.

Blessings

Wave Of Light

Isn’t it strange that we live in a time when communication has never been faster, never been more immediate, or more intense; yet there are still so many subjects that remain taboo.

Baby loss is one of them.

Whether through miscarriage, still birth, termination due to anomaly, or neonatal loss. It’s hard to talk about and even harder to hear about. What do you say? How do you react? Do you open a conversation or politely change the subject?

On October 15th each year, the end of Baby Loss Awareness week, in honour of every soul not able to stay in this world, a wave of light is created. At 7pm your own time, we are invited to light a candle for an hour and connect around the globe. This is a huge step towards having the conversation, but gently.

What has struck me, in conversations, in work with clients, in reading courageous posts by others who have experienced baby loss, is that often we are encouraged to forget, to “move on”, to try for the next baby. It’s all part of the picture of discomfort and why it’s remained taboo.

But, without honouring every soul that has blessed our womb space, without opening the possibility of finding peace in our heart, how do we heal?

It’s nearly 14 years since my tiny Baby Harry was born sleeping, at only 20 weeks. We were given photos of him, and his hand and footprints. These stayed in a memory box, only for my eyes and the eyes of my family. They are treasured, yet painful, yet beautiful memories of a moment held in time; a moment that left it’s resonance for many years.

My experience of baby loss was heightened with losing my Mum to cancer three months before Baby Harry, and my Dad who died suddenly three months after Baby Harry. With six months of all consuming trauma and grief, I guess I was on a mission to healing, and in all honesty, survival. It’s almost unbearable for any one person to be faced with so much grief in such a short space of time.

My healing journey unfolded organically; the right therapists came at the right time. These are the therapies and choices I made; everyone will have different needs, so this is certainly not a blue print, but hopefully an aid:

Counselling – I was extremely lucky that the hospital offered a counsellor in the maternity unit for supporting baby loss. She truly was my lifeline.  I realise not all hospitals offer this, so seeking a bereavement counsellor is an opportunity to be safely witnessed in grief.

Homoeopathy – There were three bereavements to juggle. Often not knowing which one was emerging at any moment, sometimes all three hitting at the same time. But, medication was not an option for me; so working closely with my homoeopath was how I stayed afloat. Finding the right remedy at each stage of my process was her skill that I held with such gratitude.

Nourishing bodywork – connecting to the right massage therapist kept me embodied with my physical experience. so I didn’t lose that part of myself.

Nourishing food – But still holding the importance of a fine organic bar of dark chocolate and all the endorphin release that can bring!

Solitude – To allow the aching tears to release, to allow myself the space to sob and sob and sob, without explanation, without guilt. With each sob I knew this release was a necessity and didn’t hold back.

Exercise – I started seeing a personal trainer and started kickboxing – the endorphin release here was a gift and the rage had an outlet.

EFT – Tapping gave me the opportunity to work through the trauma in a way that wasn’t overwhelming. Working through episodes that held the most charge during that traumatic time.

Psychotherapy – During my next pregnancy, I was on a high all the way through. After she was born though, I entered an almighty slump. Whether it was Post Natal Depression I’m not sure, but I sought support as soon as I could. It was time to move beyond counselling and explore with more depth. The gratitude I hold for my therapist will always be so deep. After losing Baby Harry, my menstrual cycle had been truly nightmarish, with all consuming pain most months. It was my therapist who wisely suggested that I was reliving the pain of Baby Harry’s delivery each cycle.

Womb Massage – When my Womb Massage teacher lay her hands over my womb during my training, this was the portal to the most profound healing in my baby loss journey. After a few sessions, my womb cleared the traumatic imprint held of his birth, my cycle eased and the pain subsided.

Family constellation work combined with EFT – It’s hard to describe the power and resonance of speaking with Baby Harry and “hearing” what his words might have been to me. This has led me to a place of complete peace with him.

Honouring my baby – A couple of years ago, with guidance, I went to his graveside and held a little ceremony, which, due to the family constellation work, centred on forgiveness. It’s a peaceful place to be.

Menstrual Cycle Awareness – My life would never be the same after losing Baby Harry. Of course it would never be the same, just as with any huge life event. We inhabit a space following baby loss where we can run the gamut of emotions. There may be pure sadness, guilt, confusion, resentment, moments of acceptance followed by moments of all consuming pain. The list is endless and purely personal. Menstrual Cycle Awareness has been a source of guidance; when are the emotions most acute? Recognising that emotions arise and shift over the ebb and flow of the cycle. Perhaps the feeling of acceptance is present in the summer (ovulatory phase) of the cycle, only to cross over the next day to autumn (pre-menstrual phase), when maybe guilt and resentment take over. The awareness is a container towards acceptance.

My intention is to spread awareness of baby loss of any kind, and hope that the women and men this journey has touched are acknowledged.

It is uplifting, although painful to read, as more and more baby loss stories appear on social media. But a ripple effect has been created. Others are inspired to share, taking us all a step closer to healing the collective pain.

With the huge amount of work I have been open to over the years, I can put my journey into words, without tears. Instead, I have such gratitude to Baby Harry, and love for those walking a similar path to me.

I invite you to light a candle at 7pm for an hour on 15th October and bring about a wave of love and healing.

It truly is my honour to offer support to women after baby loss with Abdominal Massage, EFT, Aromatherapy and Menstrual Cycle Awareness.

Stepping into Power as the Lights Dim

“As the year rolls on and autumn arrives, all of nature prepares for fruition and going to seed, or to store up reserves for the winter” (The Language of Plants, Julia Graves)

It’s Autumn Equinox here in the northern hemisphere. Before our energy sinks into the gradually decreasing hours of light, we can find balance in the equal hours of light and dark today. It’s a beautiful time to take stock of the year; while the fields are being harvested, what can you reap from the past months?

As our outer focus shifts from the external pleasures of summer, we turn to a more inward-looking state of being.

The yearly seasons mirror so beautifully, our menstrual cycle, with our pre-menstruum being our inner autumn. But…

If you ask a group of women when their least favourite time in their cycle is, almost always there is a unanimous show of hands for the premenstrual phase.

It’s kind of understandable. We rage. We lose our filters, as the truth speaker in us is unleashed. We may question pretty much everything around us; from our relationships to our ability to do our job, to feeling that nothing we say or do is worthwhile. Without a container of awareness, this phase is disconcerting, disquieting and raw.

Our inner autumn is also the home of the inner critic; part of our shadow side that dances with glee as it feeds our rage, encourages our feelings of worthlessness, and at its worst can have us clinging to our sanity.

With a nod to the Julia Graves quote above, we can genuinely feel as though we are “going to seed” at this point in our cycle. But as the rest of her quote says, autumn is a time when we have the opportunity to store up reserves for winter. In menstrual cycle awareness terms, we can store up reserves for our inner winter, our time of menstruation.

By paying close attention to our needs in our inner autumn, the pre-menstruum can be a deeply potent time in our cycle. We can still be discerning truth speakers, but more directional and with awareness.

We can own this powerful time in our cycle, rather than apologise for it.

 

To add more juice to the picture, perimenopause is our Life Autumn, often with a more distilled and intense flavour of our premenstrual phase. The oils suggested here would work just as beautifully in perimenopause.

To ease these passages to power, we might need some sturdy support around us. Essential oils can be a firm ally to have by our side if it all goes wobbly.

Enjoy a selection of autumn supportive oils:

Clary Sage (Salvia sclarea)

In plant form the flowers of clary sage form a spikey tip to their pinky purple and heart-shaped bloom. The leaves, with their downy hairs, cup the flowers from underneath, in a show of tender support. Perfect for our premenstrual phase.

As an essential oil, clary sage, has a warm, musky and herbaceous aroma. But it’s talent lies in it’s actions – being deeply grounding and holding, yet uplifting. As Gabriel Mojay shares: “The earthy quality of (the oil) reflects its ability to both steady the mind and reassure: while its gentle pungency enlivens the senses and dispels illusion, restoring the clarity echoed by it’s name” (Aromatherapy for Healing the Spirit, Gabriel Mojay). The description reads like a balm to the sometimes deeply unkind work of the inner critic.

The pre-menstruum, a time when the outer lights go down and the inner lights brighten, pulls us towards greater intuition. Valerie Ann Worwood invites us to hear the “whisper” of clary sage: “…be at ease, and focus on contacting the inner spirit” (The Fragrant Heavens)

For a beautifully feminine and holding massage blend for inner autumn try: clary sage, geranium and black pepper

Clary sage also enjoys spending time with sandalwood, cypress, bergamot, and grapefruit.

Frankincense (Boswellia carterii)

Distilled from the resin of the Boswellia tree, with it’s sweet, rich but fresh aroma, the oil holds a special place in my heart. If an essential oil could hold out its arms and offer a hug with genuine love, it would be frankincense.

As Valerie Ann Worwood shares, frankincense is “…like an ever-watchful older friend capable of support in a wide range of circumstances. But, like a vigilant parent, it will not let us go where we are not ready to go.” (The Fragrant Heavens)

The incense resin has it’s place in spiritual tradition, but the essential oil is also “…an ideal aid to mediation, contemplation, and prayer, ceasing mental chatter and stilling the mind. Facilitating a state of single-pointed concentration, it allows the Spirit to soar” (Aromatherapy for Healing the Spirit, Gabriel Mojay) When the mental chatter can turn quite vicious, seeking out frankincense can be an act of kindness in your pre-menstruum.

Frankincense cozies up well with so many other oils. But for a supportive inner autumn blend, clary sage, sandalwood (another oil that enjoys offering a nurturing hug) and bergamot will give you a place to ease your premenstrual disquiet.

Pine (Pinus sylvestris)

Picture the scotch pine, with it’s cluster of evergreen needles, the tree and its fresh, crisp and clean essential oil makes it an ally in supporting you when you’re feeling easily “needled” in your premenstrual phase.

Pine encourages us to trust, ease in to more self-confidence and helps to hold the tension, and more. Gabriel Mojay suggests pine as supportive in “Restoring emotional positivity and “boundary”, as well as our ability to “process” experience, pine works to dissipate both negative self-image and feelings of remorse, replacing guilt with forgiveness and self-acceptance” (Aromatherapy for Healing the Spirit)

Blending pine with frankincense and clary sage, the other oils explored here, would create a truly holding blend.

For a lighter blend, try vapourising pine, grapefruit and juniper.

Who knows what kind of powerful places you can inhabit, with your psyche supported with these beautiful oils…

To support your inner autumn experience, try vapourising the oils, or mix a few drops with Epsom salt or milk and have a soak in the bath. Or perhaps you would love an an Aromatherapy Massage and have a bespoke massage blend created for you, to meet your needs for that day.

The safety stuff:

  • Clary Sage should not be used in pregnancy, unless under the care of an Aromatherapist
  • If you have endometriosis, fibroids or other oestrogen led conditions, please consult with an Aromatherapist before using clary sage
  • Always dilute essential oils. A 1% dilution is the safest. In 15mls (a tablespoon) of base oil (sunflower oil, coconut oil are popular) add 5 drops of essential oil.
  • To make a blend of the oils featured here, you may choose 1 drop of clary sage, 2 drops of frankincense and 2 drops of pine in 15mls of base oil.
  • The old adage of less is more holds true when using essential oils, as over time, skin sensitivity can be increased.
  • Essential oils should not be ingested, unless under the care of a Clinical Aromatherapist who will prepare the oils to avoid irritation of the digestive system.
  • When vapourising, do so in an airy room, for not more than 10-15 minutes.


If you would love to explore your menstrual, fertility or menopause health, with a bespoke blend of essential oils created each time you visit, have a peruse at Aura Mama to see how you can be supported.

And for more information on menstrual cycle awareness enjoy this link

It’s all about the Bloody Journeying

Ooh, so far, this has been a defining year.

 

Once I was accepted on to Alexandra Pope’s Women’s Quest Apprenticeship, it was clear that, life would never quite be the same.

 

The training, (although seriously, “training” doesn’t even begin to describe the experience!) was a series of beautifully crafted processes, transformations and wisdom sharing, such is the like I’ve never encountered.

 

Essentially over two separate residential weeks we were invited to truly meet ourselves.

 

And not just a polite shaking of hands kind of meeting. No, this was getting down and sometimes oh so messy with our psyches. Delving in to the different stages of our lives, from menarche (first period) to menopause and beyond.

 

All under the immensely skilful and watchful eyes and guidance of Alexandra Pope and Sjanie Hugo-Wurlitzer, who run Red School Online, with the huge hearted Laura Tonello and Laila Torsheim to support. I must acknowledge how the teaching team of women working together was so inspirational; the celebration of each others skills, only lifting each other. All utterly powerful to witness. And how each of our teachers shared their authenticity was deeply moving.

 

By the end of the two residentials, each of us had relived our experience of menarche, traversed our menstrual cycles in several different forms, gone toe to toe with our inner critic, dreamt in to how we can serve the world, met the future wise woman within us, culminating in a pure celebration of ourselves.

 

And how we celebrated!

 

Every exercise was searching and challenging, as was the immensely courageous opening of hearts within the circle of sisters I’m sharing the apprenticeship journey with. We listened to one another’s moments of self-awareness, witnessed each others pain, celebrated the emerging joy coming from the healing wisdom, all with such love and compassion. We sang, we danced, we lovingly held space for each other.

 

My own journey was often painful, but deeply transformational, and allowed me to ease out of the comfiest of comfortable life sofas. In fact, not long after the first residential, with some acknowledgment to where I was standing in my menstrual cycle (my inner summer of ovulation), I found myself calling in to a national radio station to voice my feelings on medication to reverse the menopause. Never done that before! You’ll see why this was such a big deal…

 

…All my life I’ve had issue with my voice, with projection, with allowing myself to be heard. But even more transformation was to occur. Nearly two years after being gifted a recording studio session by my children, I broke through a whole heap of resistance, started seeing a vocal coach and stepped with confidence in to that recording studio and rocked my way to recording the perfect song choice. It was dedicated to my husband for his daily acceptance of every part of me. I also realised that it was unknowingly a 90s head tip to menstruality!

 

Please do enjoy the recording of “Bitch”, which would not have materialised were it not for sitting in circle with my Women’s Quest sisters and teachers.

 

Well, some real gifts have been borne out of the apprenticeship, so grab these while you’re hanging out in this blog post:

 

1) First is the ever so simple act of introducing cycle awareness in to your life. That’s menstrual cycle awareneness in your menstruating years, or with the lunar cycle, if you’re post menopause, breast feeding, not having menstrual cycles, or post hysterectomy.

Keeping a track of your feelings along with your cycle can be a treasure trove. To help you get started, download your chart here.

 

2) If you are following a menstrual cycle, really listen to what your body, emotions and psyche are telling you in the different inner seasons (more info on these in number 5). And for women journeying the menopause, the listening is paramount. What is your body asking you to do in this moment? What are your emotions saying to you? What is your intuition nudging you to do (listen ever so carefully to your intuition in your inner winter, especially when you are bleeding, the potential for insight can be staggering).

 

3) Once you’ve listened, then HEAR, I mean really hear what your needs are, this is as a means to truly support yourself. How can those needs be met? What do you need to do or perhaps more importantly, NOT do.

 

4) Self-care is key. Establish practices that feed you. This could be: self-care massage, yoga, meditation, your favourite exercise class, receiving a massage, meeting friends, spending time in mama nature, bringing health giving foods in to your life…the list is personal and endless. And if these practices are moved through with awareness as to how they nourish you, your self-care box is firmly ticked.

 

5) Intertwined with 2-4 is introducing the concept of the 1% in to your life. As Alexandra Pope also calls it, the homeopathic dose. Devoting time to self-care is deeply important, but when the time and frankly the inclination is just not there, what to do then? The 1% is a balm to your needs. What little kindnesses can you show yourself?

 

Here are a few ideas, working around the inner seasons of the menstrual cycle:

 

*That moment of slowing your step, if you can’t fully stop, while you’re bleeding in your inner winter.

*That moment of taking a breath when your inner critic speaks up in your inner autumnal pre-menstruum; maybe texting a friend who always lifts you when you’re down.

*That social event you duck out of at the last minute while you’re in your super sexy, inner summer, ovulation phase. Because actually its the 4th night on the trot you’ve gone out and suddenly you no longer feel super sexy and if you go there’s the very real chance of an energy slump that might really floor you – and…take a breath!

*That moment you bite your tongue, even though you want to tell everyone about your latest, greatest innovative idea in exciting, but still quite vulnerable, pre-ovulatory, inner spring. Knowing actually, its too early to share and any criticism might squash your precious idea shoots.

 

Find your own 1%s, your own small kindnesses that will ease unease.

 

I adore the simplicity, that the answers lie within you. All in your cycle guiding you to when and how to engage in the self-care, when to reach for a choco endorphin release, shift your exercise from Insanity to pleasurable yoga, make that presentation, write that blog post…yes my loves, it’s all there in cycle awareness.

 

If you would like to explore these gifts and possibilities of your menstrual cycle or menopause journey, you have options:

 

*Check our our latest Woman Kind offering here

*Opportunities for embodying these gifts with Womb & Fertility Massage,

*Simply having a consultation to explore how you can introduce menstrual cycle or menopause awareness as a support to your life. You can reach me at Leora@auraholistictherapies.com

*Red School, I can’t recommend enough, leads you on your own menstruality journey with Alexandra and Sjanie.

 

With heartfelt thanks and love to Alexandra Pope and Sjanie Hugo-Wurlitzer and fellow sisters who sat in circle at the Apprenticeship.

 

Blessings x

Making Love and Light

Today we are in for a celestial treat.

 

At summer solstice we are also being treated to a Strawberry Moon, a full moon given it’s name by Native American tribes to mark the beginning of the gathering of ripe strawberries (our local Pick Your Own would also agree it’s time!). Despite being rained on as though it was the coming of Armageddon this morning; I can now look out of my office window – the birds are singing, the trees are abundant with lush green leaves and the blue sky is radiant.

 

We enter summer here in the northern hemisphere, when Mama Earth is at her most fertile. As you read this, be aware of where you are in your menstrual cycle. Are you in your ovulatory or your internal summer season? How does it feel to be in synch with the great Mama? Or are you menstruating, your internal winter, perhaps feeling at odds with the expansiveness of summer?

 

If you are trying to conceive, it’s a beautiful night to make love, under the full Strawberry Moon.

 

To support this celestial coupling and this most fertile of seasons, here are three summery and sensual essential oils you might enjoy:

 

If you’re looking for an aphrodisiac, Jasmine (Jasminum officinalis, Jasmine grandiflorum) may be your first choice. Deeply sensual, warm, rich, sweet and floral in aroma. It’s the oil of seduction, but as Gabriel Mojay (Gabrial Mojay, Aromatherapy for Healing the Spirit) writes, it’s more than simply a sexual stimulant: “Whenever fear and vulnerability, or anxiety and depression cuts us off from our ability to share physical pleasure and affection, jasmine oil can support, reassure, and delight. Its voluptuously warm, joyous fragrance allows the heart to flow again through the river of senses”.

 

Ylang Ylang (Cananga odorata), another aphrodisiac which “…shields and guides the passion of love and true emotion, whilst allowing a tender awakening of that sensual part of our being and spirit which can embrace all things.” Valerie Worwood’s words in The Fragrant Heavens reflect the sweet fervour Ylang Ylang can elicit. There’s a playfulness about this floral, softly balsamic and slightly heady oil. Where there is a lack of ardour, Ylang Ylang will ease the fear and anxiety and allow sexuality and sensuality to flourish with just a touch of euphoria.

 

If the rose is “the queen of flowers” (Greek poet Sappho), the damask rose of Bulgaria, must be the empress of roses. The damask rose distilled to produce Rose Otto (Rosa damascena), has an exquisiteness that is only matched by it’s value. For the 50 rose heads required to produce just one drop of oil; that it requires harvesting early in the morning and that there are only 20-40 days of the year when the rose heads can be picked, the result is a highly expensive essential oil. If you are out-priced by the oil, buying it in a dilution of jojoba oil allows affordability.

 

The aroma oil of rose otto is deeply feminine, softly sweet, slightly spicy and gently floral. It is the aromatic epitome of love. It is an oil that supports the heart, whether in grief or in the throws of emotion, being holding and comforting. It’s also a tonic for the womb and sacral chakra. Descibed as “a gentle aphrodisiac which helps to spiritualise sexual relationships” (P Davis, Subtle Aromatherapy).

 

Yes, we’re being gifted a strawberry moon at summer solstice, so make love tonight in it’s superlunary glory, and remember to leave the curtains open, letting mama moon’s light in.

 

Enjoy the oils I’ve described above, maybe tonight, maybe for the next full moon! Consider asking an aromatherapist to make up a blend for you to use, as there’s nothing more sensual than giving and receiving a massage. Think of the magic that could be created?

 

Blessings.

x

 

Finding the Ease Within

As someone who has always enjoyed feel-good quotes, inspirational quotes, a sometimes sharer of such quotes, I have recently found myself questioning more and more of what I read.

It feels as though there is an immense pressure on us to always be positive, always be happy, no matter what; and as much as creating a good sense of self and well-being is an integral part of my professional intention, it’s also important to recognise that this is often a huge burden. I mean, what happens if you’re not feeling upbeat? If you can’t always see the joy in everything around you? Have you failed the positivity test? It sometimes feels as though in the feel-good world, we’re setting ourselves up for a fall.

It’s just as important to hear those feelings where self-doubt, uncertainty, irritation, sadness or maybe resentment, amongst others, are also present.

In fact the likelihood is they form part of a monthly pattern.

Such feelings can be eased with the right therapy or practice, but acknowledging them is fundamental, rather than sweeping them aside and pretending they’re not part of a thought process or deeply entrenched belief.

But how is this linked to your monthly cycle?

Well, our cycle moves through the following phases or seasons:

Menstruation/winter – a time to find your cave and simply stop

Pre-ovulation/spring – when energy may rise, as may ideas

Ovulation/summer – possibly the highest energy you will experience in the month, when you may want to take on the world and possibly be your most creative

Pre-menstruum/autumn – this is the time to start slowing down and become more thoughtful about plans and sometimes the people you spend time with.

I started writing this in my pre-menstrual phase; a time of deep discernment, frankly a time when you don’t take any shit. It’s often an uncomfortable phase, but once you have formed a friendhsip with your cycle, my word when those emotions can be harnessed in autumn you can put them to the kind of use you could never believe. By the time I publish this I will have started settling in to winter and I may want be gentler in my writing.

With the intention of giving you a helping hand to cultivate this understanding of your cycle, here are some simple suggestions:

Chart your cycle

If you are menstruating, your menstrual cycle holds such gold. Seeing the shift in emotions and feelings as you move from season to season.

If you are no longer experiencing a menstrual cycle, try tracking the lunar cycle as see how aligned you are with the phases of the moon.

While charting, notice a pattern forming over the months. When are you most active? Most creative? Most discerning or impatient? When are you craving slowness or stillness?

Get to know your inner critic

Give her a name, it truly helps, particularly when “she’s” not playing fair. Earlier this year I had a nasty run in with my inner critc, here’s how it panned out! This relationship is really rather crucial in the process, as the inner critic tends to have a field day in our autumn phase.

Get yourself a gorgeous journal

Then write, write, write! Working alongside your charting, it’s an opportunity to allow the space for the flesh to be put on the bones of the shifts occuring. Be as self-indulgent as possible. Your journal can be a place to vent, explore, get sweary if it feels right, get real about anything and everything you feel in the moment. When you look back at your entries, chances are it will also hold some gems.

Set aside a small amount of time, preferably daily, for self-care

Why not give self-abdominal massage a go? Become acquainted with this sacred area of your body, the area where our deepest emotions are often held, our deepest history. It’s also a window on how our digestive and womb health responds to our inner and outer world. You may be surprised at the level of self-knowledge that might arise, plus it feels rather yummy once you’ve got the hang of it!

Practice gratitude

Even if life feels utterly shit right now, write down one positive each day. You might consider it negligible, but pop it down in your journal. That little nugget of gratitude may have a longer term benefit even if it doesn’t improve your mood in the moment.

4625826997There you have it, 5 simple suggestions. Isn’t that great! The pressure is off! Gently recognising your shifts as you move through the month, seeing the patterns that begin to form; who knows as your knowledge of your inner landscape grows, an ease of the goddess within may just emerge. I would take that any day over enforced feel-good positivity.

So, as 2015 exits and 2016 makes its entrance, why not make the decision to use your cycle to recognise when you’re firing on all cylinders, when to throw yourself into a project, when it’s time to slow down and when it’s time to actually stop?

If you feel you would like some support or guidance working though these points, from January I am offering complementary 30 minute Skype or phone consultations, you can contact me here.

In February Kate Codrington and I are holding our first Love Your BellyWorkshop of 2016.

We are welcoming another group of women to learn how to harness self-care and a whole lot more. If you would like to reserve a seat/cushion and make the most of the early reduced price you can click here.

Wishing for a peaceful entry into 2016 and a year full of blessings.

x

A Bloody Good Reason to Fall for your Menstrual Cycle

By Leora Leboff, May 8 2015 11:16PM
What’s all the fuss about? Yes, us women have periods! Live with it! Lets face it, it’s all totally inconvenient; having to make sure we’re carrying enough sanitary towels or tampons, you know, the ones that in the adverts turn us in to superwoman. Despite what those adverts infer, our bodies might actually be crying out for some down time, so that’s just more inconvenience to deal with and a real sign of weakness, so we feel the compulsion to power on.

I haven’t even mentioned PMT, just wait until that rears its sometimes hideously ugly head. Oh the frustration of our partner not throwing away the used tea bags or the irritation that woman in the office who’s chair wheels squeak every time she moves!
Perhaps it feels deeper than that, a critical voice in your head that once a month begins to shout a little too loud that you are not worthy of this and are rubbish at that and don’t deserve, well, anything that might resemble happiness.

If any of this sounds familiar, welcome to what feels like a harsh menstrual world.
But, here’s a radical suggestion. Your period, in fact, your whole monthly cycle is not the enemy you might think it is.

How do I know this? Well read on.
The relationship I had with my own cycle up to only a couple of years ago, was, quite frankly one of pure hate, resentment, and the will for early menopause. Yes I was literally wishing my life away, anything so that I wouldn’t have to struggle through yet another month.

I would bleed for about 10 days, with 2 or 3 days of the kind of pain that could leave me momentarily blind. Often I would be unable to get out of bed, as I would regularly manage to squeeze in a few disabling migraines. They would strike indiscriminately before, during and/or after my bleed.

Premenstrually, I would feel so horribly unwell that most months l would be on the verge of passing out. My joints would be painful, breast pain was off the scale, and the rage was, well, just frightening. And the self talk, oh yes, that critic, she was always on her worst behaviour. The whole world was against me…again!

Who would have guessed that actually that womb from hell of mine, would end up being a bestie? A source of creativity, a source of intuition and a source of trust.
All I had to do was care for her and the cycle that she was central to.

First introductions to my womb were made during my Abdominal-Sacral Massage training and deepened in my Fertility Massage training. It turned out I was holding a whole load of trauma in her. Receiving massage treatments and allowing regular self massage, my cycle started to shift. Bleeds changed from brown and dark red sludge to a beautiful bright red flow; I was clearing healthily each month. But most gratefully, the pain eased.
So began my quest of self discovery. Over the last couple of years I’ve been educating myself, making changes and seeing significant, heart-skipping shifts.

The most radical change of all was deciding to commit to self-care.
After reading Alexandra Pope’s The Wild Genie, I knew I had to grab the opportunity to learn from the woman who spent 30 years developing a form of menstrual care that is both radical and hugely empowering. So I did, and I have learned that with care, kindness and most importantly, awareness, you can tap in to this source of menstrual creativity. Keeping a track of my cycle was a huge part of this, noting daily on a chart has allowed insight in to how I ebb and flow as I move from the winter of my bleed, to the spring of pre-ovulation, to the summer of ovulation, to the autumn of pre-menstrum, back to the winter of bleeding.

As I write this, it’s during the heaviest day of my period. I’m feeling pretty dreamy in mid-winter, but giving in to the feeling. Actually I am finding it hard to concentrate on anything for more than a few minutes, but it’s ok.
Look at that, no judgement or frustration, just kindness and understanding, and because of this, no pain. I haven’t pushed through.

I have invited my family to understand that I need to just “be” on this day and it’s made such a difference having them on board.
It’s about honouring each part of the cycle.

On Mothers Day this year I took my daughter to a one of my favourite crystal shops and we picked out a bracelet together that I wear only while I bleed.
I truly honour my cycle now and I chart to recognise when it’s necessary to show myself the most kindness. Long gone are the days where I was wishing for menopause. Instead at the age of nearly 45, I relish my final few years of bleeding, making the most of this gift until my time of transition.

As a gift, please download your own chart and to gain insight in to your own source of power and ease yourself in to self-care.
Blessings