Leora Leboff, Author at Auramama

I’m doing everything, why do I still feel like s**t?

Posted on 10 May 202312 May 2023 by Leora Leboff

This piece is an act of loving arms being wrapped around those who are in midlife, and when all is stripped back, are having an effing hard time.

The raw reality of shit hitting fan, and a feeling of no way to reach the off button.

To those who are eating for health, meditating, Yoga Nidra-ing, resting, connecting to joy and pleasure, slowing down, using breathwork, taking herbs, homeopathy, tapping into creativity, maybe in therapy, perhaps having regular body treatments…but the struggle is still painfully real.

Those who are finding midlife incredibly challenging, but balk at hashtags such as #menopausesucks.

No, you hold the firm belief that menopause is a time of growth and education about ourselves, and that as we age we are not driven by the continuous Western patriarchal narrative, that we must hold on to our younger selves. As our older selves are worth that much less. Those who have no desire to cling on to youth and oestrogen as the route to vitality. Those who embrace the saggy parts of us, the grey hairs, the wrinkles that speak volumes about our lived experience. Yet, despite these firmly held values on ageing, are still ticking the symptomatic boxes of perimenopause and menopause (medically speaking).

You’ve read the best books (and there are some brilliant reads out there at the moment), limited your social media to inspiring voices on midlife and menopause, with perhaps a fantasy that health and wellness will ease into your psyche, because the positive narrative about the menopause experience is the way to stay empowered and healthy. But it’s not actually a reality for you. A positive message IS a great thing, but bypassing reality when you’re in the middle of a shitstorm may only help on a surface level.

You may align yourself to the energies of the moon, the seasons, choose crystals to pop in your bra (if you can still handle wearing one), notice when planets are in retrograde, connect to guardian angels, have faith that Spirit and the Universe have your back, or maybe a religious belief gives you equal comfort. Maybe you’re EFT-ing, EMDR-ing, TRE-ing. Perhaps there are breakthroughs, releases, yet…there is no real let up to your physical or mental health challenges.

I’ve studied, taught, actively share the positivity around cycle awareness, work deeply with the Menstrual Seasons, co-developed the Life Seasons model which is right there in print, in the wonderful Secong Spring by Kate Codrington, supported others to have empowering menstrual and menopause experiences, extolled the powers of midlife, raised womb wisdom awareness, and personally, I’ve been ‘doing the work’ continuously for many many years.

In collapse

Yet, I find myself in perimenopause, in collapse. Some would call it burn-out. The fan is still flinging shit around, which honestly is the last thing you need during a hot flush or night sweat.

What this looks like for me is a ramping up of symptoms of ME/CFS, fibromyalgia, PoTS or a similar form of dysautonomia, IBS and various gastric funnies, possibly adenomyosis (the pain is horrifically real…), PMDD, ADHD.

HRT is not an option, due to hypersensitivity when introducing hormones into my body, or any medication for that matter.

This info isn’t shared for sympathy, it’s really not. Please don’t let your head do a sympathetic side tilt. It’s simply a statement of fact and where I am right now.

I’ve looked for a voice on social media that is aligned to where I am in this cauldron of perimenopause, but haven’t quite found a fit.

I’m not sure if I have the energy right now to become that voice, which makes this single blog post, a holler of appreciation, recognition and allyship.

As an act of deep kindness to myself, I deleted all the socials from my phone last year, and took a three month break from the ‘noise’. When I returned, I stayed hidden and not engaging, while I eased myself back in for a few months. This gave me a chance to observe, ignore and often rage!

~

Polarised menopause

Witnessing the polarised output when it comes to perimenopause and menopause is infuriating and heart breaking.

In one corner of the ring there’s HRT as a cure-all. Without it, we’ll all crumble and die an awful death, if we don’t keep our oestrogen/progesterone/testosterone topped up. The message that we must retain our oestrogenic youth, or else we’ll end up on the forgotten heap, mainly because menopause is a medical condition that requires fixing. There are few words in this corner on the subject of lifestyle to care for yourself in midlife.

I am in no way against the use of HRT, I have seen it support the menopause journey, and it’s hugely important that we have choice in our menopause care. It’s simply the message that everyone who is in menopause must take it or else you’re done for, I find hard to swallow.

In the opposite corner of the ring is the message of empowerment through aging proudly and powerfully. Possibly, but certainly not always, without HRT. The declaration in this corner is that menopause is a life-affirming time, definitely not a medical issue to be diagnosed, rather, a rite of passage like menarche, our first bleed. A time when we may feel as though everything is falling apart, but we must listen to the messages coming through, to enable us to enter post menopause, Second Spring, a renewed version of ourselves.

Although my hat falls to this side of the ring, sometimes there’s not enough space given for the struggles that are real. There’s a slight undercurrent of failure if you’re not getting on top of those physical, mental and soulful struggles that show up in midlife. Or maybe that’s my inner critic grumbling away. Perhaps, when the message is only that of menopause positivity, it becomes a bit othering. It’s not always easy to truly feel positive about menopause when that shit-storm is raging.

What it looks like on the ground

I’m 52, with a cycle that is more regular than ever in my life. There are clear changes; shorter bleed time and much less bleeding. I feel the diminishing nature of my blood. I’m ovulating, early, regularly and with vigour, which as the months and years build, I feel a sigh of disappointment escape when I see the ovulatory mucus arrive.

The disappointment is directly linked to the extreme pain I experience while I’m bleeding. My womb is happy place and she bleeds peacefully, the agony I experience is in my groin – an odd and disconcerting area of pain to navigate. I don’t think medically I’ll ever get an answer, but the intensity is how endometriosis or adenomyosis is described. A couple of months ago I named this pain Cujo to help me connect with the rabid dog-style of agony I experience. There’s nuance to my feelings around my cycle. Yes, I am immersed in the beauty of menstrual cycle awareness and loving my cycle, while also knowing that I’m guaranteed to be in a distressing amount on pain, and all that’s brought with it (nausea, not knowing where to put my body, no escape, etc). I’d be lying to say that this pain is an empowering experience. No, it’s a traumatic experience.

Symptoms of the ME/CFS and fibromyalgia all intensify in the build up to bleeding. I have to acknowledge what I’m not capable of doing for a week before and during my bleed. That’s on top of the ‘normal’ rest encouraged with the practice of cycle awareness and menopause self-care.

In reality it’s a perfect storm. Perimenopause, ME/CFS and Fibromyalgia, plus the number of “friends” it brings with it (PoTs/dysautonomia, gastric issues, etc), and ADHD, and whatever is causing Cujo to bear it’s rabid teeth. It’s important to say, for those of us who have a ‘shopping list’ of conditions, it’s no coincidence. Something is happening systemically for all this to show up. I’ll talk about that later.

I have no clue what my body will be doing once my menstrual cycle has stopped, and there’s no more rise and fall of oestrogen, progesterone and pals. In all honesty it’s a scary thought…can things get any worse?

How I resource myself in these muddy and challenging waters?

Through my search for ways to ease ME/CFS, it’s become crystal clear that trauma, a combo of early developmental trauma, birth trauma, developmental trauma, ancestral trauma, shock trauma, and long term stress, has put me into a deep state of fight, flight (ADHD) and freeze (ME/CFS, fibro). The collapse I talked of earlier.

When fight, flight AND freeze are heightened, our bodies and minds will shout out with the syndromal conditions that are on my ‘shopping list’ (seriously, I’m ready for a refund).

As these traumas have been held in my nervous system, unknowingly, without the healing amount of loving care and attention needed, all parts of me are now calling out to be nurtured in a different way.

I am currently placing a huge amount of trust in the depth of work I’m doing to regulate my sympathetic nervous system, and thaw out my deeply frozen parasympathetic nervous system.

Holding the belief that entering the menopause phase, the Life Season of Winter, with a more regulated nervous system, feels the kindest way I can nurture myself.

We can cognitively work with our nervous system, which I’ve done for eons. I choose to be in nature as often as possible, eat foods that bring me joy as well as health, laugh with friends and family, self-pleasure, sing…you’ll have your own list of nervous system calmers. But I’m learning that these serve more as resources, rather than having a lasting impact on the dysregulation. It’s the reason why all the herbs, homeopathy, self-care, self-compassion, food for health, etc, have not really made a dent in the health challenges I experience. Instead they have only spiralled downwards the further I head towards menopause.

There are many great somatic, polyvagal, nervous system teachers out there. I found a teacher who really spoke to me when I heard her say that she doesn’t ask her students and clients what their trauma experience has been. Just how it’s showing up for them in their nervous system. We can get bogged down in story and identity when we’ve experienced trauma. Her work came from a different, more liberating angle, and in the months I’ve been doing the work I can see definite signs of regulation and thawing taking place. It’s very early days though, and the neurosensory exercises and knowledge are there to be integrated into life, not just for the short term.

If you feel drawn to this particular teacher, her name is Irene Lyon and she has a ton of free resources on YouTube and via her website.

I’m also under the care of the Optimum Health Clinic for nutrition and psychology coaching. The clinic only works with folk who have ME/CFS, fibromyalgia and would also be of support to Long Covid.

Community

We can’t do this alone.

Yet it can be hard to find allies who really understand each of our unique journeys with perimenopause and menopause, to feel really heard.

I co-hold a space on Facebook with Kate Codrington, a group called Woman Kind, and it’s a true balm to the polarisation of social media midlife narrative. We hold space to simply drop your bundle and share. No judgement, no advice unless asking for some, just support from a courageous, down to earth and beautiful-souled group of folk. We usually keep the group closed and private, only opening up membership (no charge, it’s the best unpaid job in the world) about once a year.

Right now, we’re open to new community members, closing the doors again on 21st May 2023 if you’d love to join.

Our menopause challenges, if we have them, are so individual and can leave us incredibly lonely; yet we find common themes that allow us to know we don’t have to travel this path alone.

Personally, I’m here with a virtual hand on your back, and an extra nod of understanding if your journey in any way mirrors mine.

Eternal Mothering

Posted on 14 March 2021 by Leora Leboff

The threshold ⁣

Of motherhood⁣

Is crossed.⁣

Our being ⁣

Shifts,⁣

From the moment ⁣

We share space ⁣

With another. ⁣

Yet who will also mother us?⁣

⁣

When they stay,⁣

We are joyous.⁣

If it’s not their ⁣

Time to stay,⁣

We grieve and we grieve. ⁣

And we’re grateful they chose us for a while. ⁣

And always,⁣

We will be their mother. ⁣

But in the pain who mothers us? ⁣

⁣

When our lives⁣

Are graced,⁣

And they join us earthside,⁣

Mothering consumes us. ⁣

Through breast or bottle ⁣

We feed them. ⁣

Through voice ⁣

And song ⁣

We comfort them. ⁣

We guide them,⁣

Teach them.⁣

And who mothers us?⁣

⁣

Sometimes our mothering is inspired. ⁣

Sometimes not so. ⁣

Sometimes our love is welcomed,⁣

Sometimes rejected. ⁣

Sometimes there’s the indifference⁣

Of familiarity.⁣

Then, who mothers us?⁣

⁣

They find their own way.⁣

We encourage their flourishing. ⁣

We cheerlead them on their path, ⁣

With the blessings ⁣

From a mother’s heart. ⁣

A mother’s heart,⁣

Who will always ⁣

Yearn for the cuddles,⁣

Singing together,⁣

Giggles and play. ⁣

Because who mothers us?⁣

⁣

And we hope,⁣

When Larkin says⁣

We fuck them up,⁣

That it’s minimal,⁣

And that they grow, ⁣

And that they flourish, ⁣

And that they thrive on their path. ⁣

Through all our hoping,⁣

Who mothers us?⁣

⁣

At day’s end, ⁣

Do we even notice⁣

The child within,

Longing too to be mothered?⁣

⁣

Our mothering, ⁣

In all its guises,⁣

Never rests.⁣

You’re not getting it wrong

Posted on 16 June 202016 November 2020 by Leora Leboff

“You’re not eating the right foods

You’re not exercising the right way

You don’t practice enough gratitude

You’re not spiritual enough

You’re not evolved enough

You’re not meditating enough

There aren’t enough positive thoughts in your day

You’re not reading the right books

You’re not listening to the right teachers

You’re not taking the right supplements or enough of them

Or on the other hand…

You’re not choosing to take medication, as honestly, you don’t need to be a martyr to pain…”

These are just some of the insidious words that can swirl around our heads when we’re on a healing journey, particularly a healing path with a chronic condition.

Next year, I will have spent a quarter of a century in the well-being community. We’re passionate about our craft, our skills, our knowledge. We’ve seen the wisdom we impart work beautifully with clients. We work from the heart, and we work as a force for good. All of this an absolute truth.

What happens, though, when we and our clients are surrounded by the vastness of wisdom and knowledge? With so many choices and avenues to head down?

Is it possible that there’s the potentially creeping message of not getting it quite right? If you’re not seeing improvements in health or wellbeing, you’re not doing enough? Or you haven’t found the right healing path? And that most insidious phrase of the inner critic…you’re not enough?

We are, of course, constantly evolving and learning, and sometimes the path that will be of most benefit, is still waiting for us. We need to be careful though, as that skulking message of not being enough, can worm it’s way into our pyche.

With my practitioner hat on, I direct my energies to the healing potential of womb work, the power of menstrual cycle awareness, and how to move through menopause in a conscious and reflective way. Yes, I’ve been evangelical about the modalities, staying true and authentic to the way I have seen the work change lives, my own life included.

Without hyperbole, the work has readied me for the challenges that I may or may not face over the course of the rest of my life.

Better days, but not getting better

How do practitioners and those around us respond to a condition that is also not curable. In fact a condition that is as hard to comprehend, as it is to pronounce, and therefore not easy to engage with.

I am a practitioner, but also someone with a chronic and incurable condition.

I have a cyst in my spinal cord, part of my Central Nervous System. The cyst is known as a syrinx, and those with a syrinx have a condition called Syringomyelia. In my case, it’s congenital so the syrinx formed while I was in the womb.

Strange terminology, and a condition that is considered to be rare (although I’m not convinced it is that rare, but that’s for another time!)

It’s interesting having a condition that is not only unrelatable, but hard to pronounce! Due to it’s “otherness”, the condition, by it’s nature doesn’t create a culture of general understanding. It’s a little too alien for that.

Although, to be fair, information available about it is very limited and, at present, not enough research in the UK has been put into it.

The added bonus of Syringomyelia is that many find that it’s not a stand-alone condition; it’s usually present amongst other syndromes and medical challenges for us.

I’ve been told I also have Fibromyalgia and have had Irritable Bowel Syndrome for as long as I can remember. Whether you’re in the well-being community or not, Fibromyalgia and IBS are more familiar terms; more relatable. More information and resources are at hand to share, and therefore to offer the possibility of help and support.

On the scale of how much these syndromes affect our lives, IBS can be anywhere between an annoyance and debilitating; a Fibromylagia flare up on the other hand is most definitely debilitating.

If you add Syringomyelia back into the mix though, what you have is a condition where there’s the possibility of the Central Nervous System being interrupted, that the body’s reactions and responses may not be as expected.

This makes so much sense to me after the many years of trying numerous modalities, and being confused why I seemed to respond in the opposite way. I always wondered why acupuncture exacerbated symptoms!

The moment of epiphany for me, was listening to a talk recently given by Anthony Williams, known as the Medical Medium. Much of his work is directed at those with chronic conditions, such as Epstein Barr, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Fibromyalgia and digestive issues.

He was talking about those of us walking around, trying to cope with chronic conditions, and not knowing WHY we have them. He has his theories, his belief systems and methods of improving health. He has a huge following, however his protocols don’t resonate with me personally.

My epiphanic moment though, was realising that I DO know the WHY for these chronic conditions I’m living with. My Central Nervous System has an interruption in it. I have a syrinx, a cyst in my spinal cord. Not a cyst ON my spine, but IN my spinal cord.

In it’s simplest form, the Central Nervous System is the part of us that tells our body what and what not to do. It’s the communication hub for everything we do, from breathing (communicating with our autonomic nervous system) to urinating, to moving.

It’s therefore a crucial part of the human body to not be firing at full capacity!

For those of us who have been supporting ourselves for years, spending probably thousands of pounds, trying to find foods, exercise/movement, spiritual guidance, and modalities to support us, somewhere along the line, the message has popped into my head – “I’m getting it wrong”.

This has called for me to take an about-turn in perspective, and in the process, ease of my own mental health.

How might it feel to be at peace with NOT trying to get BETTER, but instead focussing on ways to have BETTER DAYS? Suddenly meeting Syringomyelia becomes less of mountain to climb.

In our “fix-it” culture, though I’m not sure how well that sits.

My question is, who’s with me?

Who’s on their own journey with a chronic condition and simply wants to enjoy better days?

Or just as potently, who, as a practitioner can support those with a chronic condition to enjoy better days, rather than looking to fix the condition?

Not giving up, but not fighting

What does it mean, living with an incurable condition such as Syringomyelia? Yes, there’s the possibility of it not getting any worse, however, it’s clear my symptoms have worsened. Yes, there’s the possibility of it progressing, that’s a fact, but absolutely NOT A GIVEN.

However, bear in mind that straining when doing a poo, or picking up an object that’s too heavy are ways that a Syrinx can worsen. It’s not necessarily hard to create situations for deterioration and progression.

Perhaps it really is as simple as relinquishing to knowing that I will NOT get better, but I WILL feel better on some days.

Some folks use the term “warrior” when it comes to fighting chronic conditions.

For myself the “warrior” term, and “fighting” is counter intuitive. If I’m chronically fatigued, why would fighting be a congruent and effective way of approaching these conditions?

What if “being” with the condition, listening to what it’s asking of me, conversing with it, playing around with what might help, my nervous system can be calmed rather than over-burdened.

This approach really is born out of the menstrual cycle and menopause awareness work: listening to my needs. Not necessarily conforming to societal and linear expectations for health conditions to have a beginning and an end. There’s so much more in between.

The possibility that following the path of least resistance, can lead to a more soothed soul.

I do though, also understand the need for others to step into warrior mode, it places us in a stance of action, not taking what we’re being faced with lying down, it’s something to overcome. I get it, I really do. It’s just not my chosen direction for this situation.

If I was looking at a condition that was curable, had an end point, yes I subscribe to standing as a warrior. In fact, it was how I approached having ankle surgery last year. With one foot in surrendering to the length of time the recovery would take, and the other in warrior mode; working diligently and valiantly, seeing the ankle healed and holding me with certainty and strength. Little did I know that my Central Nervous System was choosing a different path for me.

The reason I feel compelled to write this piece is as a support to those of us living with chronic conditions; that we’re not getting it wrong, whatever healing path calls us.

Not getting it wrong to be looking to create better days. It’s not fatalistic, it’s calming and a relief to stop the quest for health perfection.

And lets face it, trying to perfect anything in these Covid times, with all the outside pressures of living during a pandemic; it’s just a pressure too far!

If you’ve sat with me as I’ve held space for you in a treatment, led a meditation for you, held space in circle, heard your words; you know that I always invite you to meet where you are, that all is as it’s meant to be in that moment.

The message always is – you are not getting it wrong and that you are enough.

I’m not getting it wrong; I am enough.

Edit:

It’s been so insightful hearing other’s experiences who have been kind enough to read the piece. The words of a wise yoga teacher have stayed with me. She shared the yogic perspective of the Warrior; that of strength, courage and resilience, rather than of fighting.

It made me take a breath, and acknowledge how all of the warrior aspects have kept me moving, learning and even supporting others in the work I share.

At the beginning of the year, I set an intention of TRUST for 2020, you know, a word of the year kind of thing. Nearly every day I’ve spoken a mantra of ” I welcome TRUST (yes upper case TRUST!) into all aspects of my life”. Dear goddess, has it held me while symptoms have worsened, other challenges have come my way, and in the outside world, living through a pandemic!

Is it possible to be a Warrior of TRUST!

The Power of NOT Pushing Through

Posted on 17 May 201917 May 2019 by Leora Leboff

A year ago today, I consciously took a step off a path.

Not a metaphorical path, but a real-life path, in a small field, in a town called Petworth in West Sussex.

I remember clearly making the choice, choosing to place my left foot on the grass next to the path. In that split second, it felt like a harmless step to take. In actual fact, the grass was hiding a dip and I went over horribly hard on my ankle. I collapsed in a dramatic heap like a Premier League football player, asking my husband to keep my legs raised, to stop myself passing out!

Despite the enormous swelling, I told myself it was just a sprain and had convinced myself that ice, elevation, a Tubigrip bandage, rest for a few days and a shit load of turmeric would be enough for me to push on through with my busy life.

Oh dear!

It took weeks to reach the point of finding out that I had actually ruptured a ligament, and there was some form of tendon damage. And now, a year on, I’m eight weeks post-ankle surgery, after needing a ligament clean-up and a tendon repair.

OK, what’s all this got to do with perimenopause?

There is no doubt that this past year has been hugely challenging and I spent time pondering this morning on reaching a year of reduced and at some points no mobility. I reflected on how much grief it has brought up, how my self-worth has been brought into question, how much I’ve had to say no to, how much my life has been forced to slow down. And, bearing in mind I teach self-care, how high imposter syndrome has piled up!

That perimenopause link?

Well, the societal push in all things menstrual, in perimenopause and menopause is to carry on regardless. You’ve seen the adverts – it’s suggested you don’t stop, but instead ramp it up and maybe choose your bleed as the perfect time to hop on that zip wire! The precept is – do not listen to what your body and psyche are asking of you, instead push on through, and that’s where you’ll prove your strength and sense of worth.

Holland & Barrett recently ran a Me.No.Pause campaign, which personally made my blood boil. What an amazing opportunity for growth missed by suggesting we do not pause and explore ourselves at this time of transition.

Of course, I wouldn’t dream of speaking for all, as the menopause transition can be an energising time for some who are strongly pulled towards action, rather than rest and reflection. But, from the many years of working with women, there is a HUGE call and need to slow down, allowing the richness of menopause to be experienced.

You see, waxing lyrical about listening to your needs and resting in menstrual and peri/menopause terms is effortless. But what happened when faced with pausing and listening in another guise? I didn’t, and that has been the greatest lesson.

My surgeon reminded me that it’s been necessary for this operation to make my ankle much worse than before the surgery, but by taking the recovery really slowly and carefully, I would heal stronger than before.

Isn’t it the perfect analogy for perimenopause?

Perimenopause is a time when it can feel as though we’re losing our marbles, our fertility, our youthful body. A time when we face grief, questioning self-worth, at times questioning everything. This opportunity we’re given at perimenopause is to sift out what isn’t serving us in our life, realising it’s ok and necessary say “no” more often, and for allowing ourselves to slow down and really listen to how our body and psyche is asking us to respond.

I’ve spent much of the past year looking for the message this injury has given me, knowing perimenopause was there in the picture, simply because of having to completely change the pace of my life.

Post surgery has been a perfect storm of having an area that carries the entire weight of the body operated on and being deep in perimenopausal void space.

For weeks after the surgery, apart from being physically immobile, my mind went into almost complete immobility too! I couldn’t concentrate on reading or writing, watching hours of tv, but couldn’t tell you about what I’d seen. Everything stopped, except my emotions. They were, and continue to be on high alert. Barely a day has gone by without emotions being pricked in one way or another. There have been tears aplenty! There it has been, facing the grief simply because that’s all I can do.

The challenge is always to keep listening.

I was guided to take 12 weeks off work for recovery, but it turns out that wasn’t realistic, and realising that my ‘surgery sabbatical” would have to be extended, sent me into a tail spin. My response was ridiculous, the next day, rather than pace myself, as advised, I decided to up my movement, cook for the family, do chores that I had, by necessity, let others take care of for the past 7 weeks, go for the longest “walk” since the operation…and what did my body tell me? To slow the fuck down, remember sister, you’re being asked to stop!

The real truth about menopause is to listen to our needs harder and closer than we ever have in our life. There is a second, wisdom spring of life to revel in post menopause. Journeying to the other side of the transition, by listening with grace and kindness.

Having witnessed women travel through their menopause this way; listening to the manifestations (aka symptoms) and hearing what they are being asked to tend to. It is as empowering as it gets.

Not attending to our needs, that’s when we get tripped up.

The power of NOT pushing through. No, it’s not a trope we often hear, but it serves us completely at perimenopause to celebrate slowing down and only doing what feeds our soul.

So happy injury-versary to me, and all the perimenopausal teachings I have been gifted with along the way.

If you are in your 40s or 50s and perimenopause is on your radar, join us for our Woman Kind online retreat Am I Going Mad? from 1^st-14^th July. Exploring the messiness of it all in virtual circle.

Chalice of Self-Worth

Posted on 31 December 201831 December 2018 by Leora Leboff

Before you immerse yourself in New Year, New You, you are invited to raise your chalice of self-worth…

Who holds
The chalice?
Our measurement
Of self-worth?
Who decides?

Ancestors?
History?
Society?
Colleagues?
Friends?
Family?

Our puzzle pieces
May fit together.
Perhaps
Not quite.
Our imperfections.
Our beauty.
Who decides?

Closed eyes,
Breath deep,
Energetic feelers
Search for connection.
For affirmation.

When the
Moment of
Clarity
Beams from you,
I’ll be there.
To cheer,
To celebrate,
To love.

You are enough.
Your chalice is full.

Whether
Puzzle pieces
Fit
Or not.
You are enough.

Affirmation
From within.
You are enough.

Recognition of
Self-growth.
When and how.
Comes from within.
You are enough.

Cheerleading,
Celebration,
Love.
From within.
You are enough.

I am enough.
💗

If you feel called to explore self-care, self-love and self-worth, at any point on your journey through womanhood, whether for menstural health, fertility health, pregnancy health, or menopause health, lets get together in 2019

Hunkering down for the winter

Posted on 19 December 201819 December 2018 by Leora Leboff

Are you feeling the call to slow down? The energy of winter pulling you inwards? How easy is it to listen to the call at this festive time?

As winter solstice falls upon us, we may find ourselves searching for warmth and enduring comfort. On the day of the longest darkness, it’s a time to gently sow idea seeds and intentions, readying for emergence as the light gradually returns.

What’s the nature of your internal landscape though? Are you in your inner winter and menstruating in sync with the winter solstice? It’s a beautiful opportunity to offer your blood back to the earth as your set your intentions and sow those seeds.

Are you in your inner summer, ovulating and craving an expansiveness that may be hard to reach on a wintry day?

Breathe into the qualities of your internal terrain in the solstice darkness.

Hunkering down, you may feel yourself called to aromas that act as a balm to your needs. So, to ease you through the winter months, here is a selection of essential oils and a resin that will nourish and offer comfort; your very own blanket of aroma care!

Cedarwood – cedrus atlantica

Atlas cedarwood is a woody, sweet, slightly balsamic and deeply nourishing oil; it offers a softness in it’s aroma that you just may want to welcome with open arms during the winter.

But, don’t underestimate the softness of this healing oil, it’s one that offers solidity and stability. According to Valerie Ann Worwood “It has qualities which are often needed when the spirit is weakened by living too much, loving too much, and being unable to forgive” (The Fragrant Heavens, Valerie Ann Worwood)

It’s the perfect oil for menopause “It encourages the strength we need to continue on our pathway, and urges us to hold fast to our dreams, helping bringing our hopes to reality” Valerie Ann Worwood

As a physical support, winter coughs and colds can also be supported by atlas cedarwood, with it’s warming expectorant and anti-spasmodic actions.

It’s considered a powerful tonic, according to Gabriel Mojay “The oil is tonifying to the kidneys and spleen-pancreas and may be used for general lethargy, nervous debility, lower back ache and poor concentration” (Aromatherapy for Healing The Spirit, Gabriel Mojay)

Delicious oils to blend with cedarwood for winter nurturing are, frankincense, petitgrain or orange.

Ginger – zingiber officinale

Spicy, pungent sometimes sweet tones, but ever so warming.

Ginger is a perfect companion during the festive season, with its digestive qualities; useful for nausea, bloating and flatulence.

With ginger’s ability to stimulate circulation, add it to a massage blend over the abdomen to relieve not just digestive, also menstrual disturbances.

This is another oil that encourages strength, according to Valerie Ann Worwodd “Ginger is a fragrance of valour and courage”. (The Fragant Heavens) P Holmes agrees “It is recommended for conditions associated with loss of motivation, will or inner strength, especially when these present apathy, listlessness, indecision, confusion and disconnection” (The International Journal of Aromatherapy)

When blended with sweet orange, you are gifted with a warming chocolate orange aroma. One you may quite happily envelope yourself in all winter!

It blends beautifully with all other citrus oils, or introduce some fun into the long wintry nights with aphrodisiacs such as ylang ylang, rose or patchouli.

Geranium – pelargonium graveolens

As Valerie Ann Worwood proclaims: “Geranium resonates with Mother Earth. It signifies the archetypal energy of goddess culture, and encompasses the energy of the feminine, of reproduction, of birth and rebirth” (The Fragrant Heavens)

With an aroma that is sweet and floral (even though it’s the leaves of the plant that hold the essential oil), it is soft, green with ever so slightly citrus notes.

Along with deeply feminine qualities, geranium is regenerative and an anti-depressant, as Gabriel Mojay shares: “Clearing heat and smoothing the flow of Qi, geranium, like lavender is able to relax the mind, calm agitation, and ease frustration and irritability”. (Aromatherapy for Healing the Spirit) It has PMS support written all over it.

Geranium blends well with citrus oils, but as a menstrual support it’s beautiful with clary sage and lavender.

Benzoin – Styrax benzoin

The balsamic, warming sweetness of Benzoin allows it to act as a deeply holding oil. It takes seven years for the tree to be ready to share the resin, giving it an energy of maturity and groundedness.

Supportive in winter with it’s anti-infectious and expectorant properties. And peaceful for the soul as an anti-depressant, with it’s calming and reassuring aroma.

Gabriel Mojay in Aromatherapy for Healing the Spirit comments that “…it is recommended for those who pursue “spiritual journeys”, as it helps to steady and focus the mind for meditation”. Supportive in those moments when you can escape the festive throng.

There is a low risk of skin sensitisation with Benzoin, so use well diluted. Only 2-3 drops are needed in a blend to experience the comforting warmth and sweetness of the resinoid.

For a tender, yet uplifting blend, benzoin with frankincense and orange creates a perfect aroma blanket.

Enjoy the oils and blends with care, remembering less is more when using essential oils. If in doubt please contact an Aromatherapist for advice.

All my body work treatments include a blend to meet your needs on the day. For more information on how I work and the treatments on offer, check out the link here.

Winter Solstice blessings

Harry, My Angel

Posted on 13 October 201810 September 2019 by Leora Leboff

Harry, My Angel

***Trigger warning. Contains description of baby loss***

The blue lines

Announce your presence.

But I know you are

With me,

Before

Any pee on a stick

Proudly

Displays life.

Such a quiet

Soul

In my womb.

Always quiet.

All 21 weeks

We are together.

Your peacefulness

Tells me

There is unease.

That you’re not meant to stay.

But,

When we hear

The words

“Anomalies”,

“Termination”,

“Decisions”,

A knowing shock

Overtakes me.

Awake with you

For the week

I still

Hold you

In my womb.

Still giving you life.

The day arrives.

Remember, remember

The fifth of November.

A homely room

For two.

No, for three.

“Take this pill”

They say.

The pill

To ensure

You are

Born sleeping.

Too shocking

To comprehend

You come

Earthside

That same day.

“You don’t

Have to endure

Pain”

They say.

A live birth,

In another room,

Means

No pain relief.

For hours.

Oh the blinding

Pain.

Until finally,

The big needle

Gives some respite.

Fireworks

Explode outside.

While inside

Oh so peacefully,

You arrive.

Silent.

Forever sleeping.

So tiny.

Dressed as an

Angel,

I hold you close.

I kiss you.

We say goodbye.

And then,

They take away

Your physical body

There are no tears.

Just a chasm,

So deep,

No emotion

Can surface.

No baby

To hold

On the journey home,

After birth.

Just your tiny

Hand and footprints.

In the days after,

Life-giving milk

Flows

From my breasts.

How utterly

Futile.

But still no tears.

Until I see

Your toy-sized

Casket.

And finally,

We weep.

“ARC is the only national charity helping parents and healthcare professionals through antenatal screening and its consequences

Around 800,000 women in the UK become pregnant each year. More than 40,000 will be told there is a risk their baby has a serious fetal anomaly. Naturally, this causes a great deal of anxiety and uncertainty. Most parents will ultimately be reassured the pregnancy is progressing as expected. Sadly, some will receive the devastating news that their baby has a serious, sometimes lethal condition or might be told that the outlook is very uncertain.

ARC offers non-directive information and support to parents before, during and after antenatal screening; when they are told their baby has an anomaly; when they are making difficult decisions about continuing with or ending a pregnancy, and when they are coping with complex and painful issues after making a decision, including bereavement.”

The Perimenopausal Solo Traveller

Posted on 5 October 201829 August 2023 by Leora Leboff

In her midlife, every woman deserves a chance to go travelling alone; just to test the possibility of rolling with “fuck it”

Phase of separation

The teachings of Red School tell us that there are psycho-spiritual phases of menopause that we move through. This knowledge is gold, and a way to keep us anchored and sane on the uneasy path of midlife shifting. The first phase we enter in perimenopause, is the chamber of separation.

What does that look like? Probably the most disquieting time of the menopause journey, because the call to be separate from, well, sometimes everyone and everything, can be extraordinarily strong.

Solo travel opportunity

This summer I was blessed to have had the opportunity to travel to Bali and Australia. The trip to Bali was to complete my teacher training in Womb and Fertility Massage Therapy. Then on to Australia to spend time with my beloved aunt and cousins. Circumstance meant that I was to be travelling alone, as my family wasn’t able to join me on my adventures.

As I hugged my darling ones tight at the airport, and walked through passport control, this midlife traveller was oozing excitement. The prospect of heading to the other side of the world, only having to look out for myself, was actually quite exquisite. I was fully embracing separation.

Easeful in separation

Travelling while in the phase of separation felt utterly easeful. I didn’t have to worry about anyone else’s needs but my own.

Flying to the other side of the world and back did, of course, mean spending time in the company of the same group of people for an entire day each way. But, I was able create my own travel bubble, so that I would only chat if I wanted to. In reality, “fuck it” I really didn’t want to! Small talk with those around me was kept to a minimum.

The freedom was there to observe parents, often with an exhausted look in their eye, as they had to navigate the challenges of long-haul travel with their little ones.

Before perimenopause, the yells of other’s young children would have yanked at my heartstrings, but with perimenopause, there’s a shift. “Fuck it”. There’s no need to take on the screams and yells of the intensity the children felt at take-off and landing; I knew they were safe in their parents’ arms. I was simply able to offer the parents a supportive nod and understanding smile.

Mapping out my own space in the small, tight environment of an economy class plane seat even felt unproblematic. Sitting next to a couple of women chatting about Love Island, again I could phase it out and concentrate on my book, choose a film, do a bit of writing. “Fuck it”, there was an element of joy connected to only choosing self-care. Just to switch on relaxing meditative music to drown out the constant rushing sound of the aeroplane so I could try and sleep, was bliss. There was no call to think of anyone else’s sleep needs.

Travelling through I don’t know how many time zones, and only having to take care of my own discombobulation was a huge relief. The brain fog of perimenopause was going through several multiples of intensity. Could I have taken on anyone else’s jet lag? Phew, I didn’t have to!

Vulnerability

That said, I was travelling with an injury, which pricked at my vulnerability. Severe ligament and tendon damage to my ankle, meant a countdown to whether or not travel was even going to be possible. The vulnerability sat in opening myself up to accepting assistance at each airport.

The experience of sitting in a wheelchair, being pushed around by various strangers, was a true lesson in surrender. Surrender is the next chamber of menopause after separation. This meant dipping my toe quite deeply in this phase.

Not simply the practicalities of surrendering to my inability to walk long distances, but to the vulnerability that I found myself steeped in. The discomfort of being in a wheelchair was immense. Accepting help in this way, when in my heart surely I’m an independent, vibrant and very mobile person. It was a challenge.

The wonder and upside of airport assistance, though, was being whizzed through customs and passport control at each of the eight flights I took!

Of course, there was the physical side of perimenopause; the odd hot flush, interesting experience on a plane; insomnia; aches and pains; and a crazy-ass short 18 day cycle, all came with me on my travels. But I could breathe through each menopause manifestation, without having to concern myself with anyone else.

Nervous? Me? I don’t think so

Before I went away, a male friend asked me if I was nervous about going? I was quite shocked to be asked this question. Would he have asked my husband the same question? Did I give the impression that travelling alone was going to be a nerve-wracking experience? Was it a misogynistic expectation that I needed a man to make me feel safe when I travel? Was it other women he knew who may have been genuinely nervous about travelling alone, being projected on to me?

Was I nervous? Absolutely not. Even with the injury, I was only excited. “Fuck it” hey, we have Whats App and Facetime to stay in touch with loved ones now! Separation was firmly holding me.

While in Bali, as my fellow sisters gathered for our Womb and Fertility Massage teacher training, we did experience a few of the earthquakes that claimed far too many lives in Lombok. As the effects of the earthquakes emerged and the number of lives lost rose, my soul was rocked. But during the earthquakes, there was a definite feel of “fuck it” in me. If my life was going to end, what a beautiful place to transition; surrendering to mortality.

Gratitude

I would absolutely love to go back to Bali with my husband and children. For a different experience of family togetherness in a country that took my heart. And without the support of my husband, who took over full parenting while I was away, I could not have taken the trip, and for that I will always be grateful. But the gift of travelling while in the phase of separation was truly liberating, and an experience I will treasure as part of my menopause journey.

Perimenopause Unwrapped

To explore your own perimenopause journey through a self-directed program, Perimenopause Unwrapped is available to dive in.

Blessings

Wave Of Light

Posted on 14 October 201711 October 2018 by Leora Leboff

Isn’t it strange that we live in a time when communication has never been faster, never been more immediate, or more intense; yet there are still so many subjects that remain taboo.

Baby loss is one of them.

Whether through miscarriage, still birth, termination due to anomaly, or neonatal loss. It’s hard to talk about and even harder to hear about. What do you say? How do you react? Do you open a conversation or politely change the subject?

On October 15^th each year, the end of Baby Loss Awareness week, in honour of every soul not able to stay in this world, a wave of light is created. At 7pm your own time, we are invited to light a candle for an hour and connect around the globe. This is a huge step towards having the conversation, but gently.

What has struck me, in conversations, in work with clients, in reading courageous posts by others who have experienced baby loss, is that often we are encouraged to forget, to “move on”, to try for the next baby. It’s all part of the picture of discomfort and why it’s remained taboo.

But, without honouring every soul that has blessed our womb space, without opening the possibility of finding peace in our heart, how do we heal?

It’s nearly 14 years since my tiny Baby Harry was born sleeping, at only 20 weeks. We were given photos of him, and his hand and footprints. These stayed in a memory box, only for my eyes and the eyes of my family. They are treasured, yet painful, yet beautiful memories of a moment held in time; a moment that left it’s resonance for many years.

My experience of baby loss was heightened with losing my Mum to cancer three months before Baby Harry, and my Dad who died suddenly three months after Baby Harry. With six months of all consuming trauma and grief, I guess I was on a mission to healing, and in all honesty, survival. It’s almost unbearable for any one person to be faced with so much grief in such a short space of time.

My healing journey unfolded organically; the right therapists came at the right time. These are the therapies and choices I made; everyone will have different needs, so this is certainly not a blue print, but hopefully an aid:

Counselling – I was extremely lucky that the hospital offered a counsellor in the maternity unit for supporting baby loss. She truly was my lifeline. I realise not all hospitals offer this, so seeking a bereavement counsellor is an opportunity to be safely witnessed in grief.

Homoeopathy – There were three bereavements to juggle. Often not knowing which one was emerging at any moment, sometimes all three hitting at the same time. But, medication was not an option for me; so working closely with my homoeopath was how I stayed afloat. Finding the right remedy at each stage of my process was her skill that I held with such gratitude.

Nourishing bodywork – connecting to the right massage therapist kept me embodied with my physical experience. so I didn’t lose that part of myself.

Nourishing food – But still holding the importance of a fine organic bar of dark chocolate and all the endorphin release that can bring!

Solitude – To allow the aching tears to release, to allow myself the space to sob and sob and sob, without explanation, without guilt. With each sob I knew this release was a necessity and didn’t hold back.

Exercise – I started seeing a personal trainer and started kickboxing – the endorphin release here was a gift and the rage had an outlet.

EFT – Tapping gave me the opportunity to work through the trauma in a way that wasn’t overwhelming. Working through episodes that held the most charge during that traumatic time.

Psychotherapy – During my next pregnancy, I was on a high all the way through. After she was born though, I entered an almighty slump. Whether it was Post Natal Depression I’m not sure, but I sought support as soon as I could. It was time to move beyond counselling and explore with more depth. The gratitude I hold for my therapist will always be so deep. After losing Baby Harry, my menstrual cycle had been truly nightmarish, with all consuming pain most months. It was my therapist who wisely suggested that I was reliving the pain of Baby Harry’s delivery each cycle.

Womb Massage – When my Womb Massage teacher lay her hands over my womb during my training, this was the portal to the most profound healing in my baby loss journey. After a few sessions, my womb cleared the traumatic imprint held of his birth, my cycle eased and the pain subsided.

Family constellation work combined with EFT – It’s hard to describe the power and resonance of speaking with Baby Harry and “hearing” what his words might have been to me. This has led me to a place of complete peace with him.

Honouring my baby – A couple of years ago, with guidance, I went to his graveside and held a little ceremony, which, due to the family constellation work, centred on forgiveness. It’s a peaceful place to be.

Menstrual Cycle Awareness – My life would never be the same after losing Baby Harry. Of course it would never be the same, just as with any huge life event. We inhabit a space following baby loss where we can run the gamut of emotions. There may be pure sadness, guilt, confusion, resentment, moments of acceptance followed by moments of all consuming pain. The list is endless and purely personal. Menstrual Cycle Awareness has been a source of guidance; when are the emotions most acute? Recognising that emotions arise and shift over the ebb and flow of the cycle. Perhaps the feeling of acceptance is present in the summer (ovulatory phase) of the cycle, only to cross over the next day to autumn (pre-menstrual phase), when maybe guilt and resentment take over. The awareness is a container towards acceptance.

My intention is to spread awareness of baby loss of any kind, and hope that the women and men this journey has touched are acknowledged.

It is uplifting, although painful to read, as more and more baby loss stories appear on social media. But a ripple effect has been created. Others are inspired to share, taking us all a step closer to healing the collective pain.

With the huge amount of work I have been open to over the years, I can put my journey into words, without tears. Instead, I have such gratitude to Baby Harry, and love for those walking a similar path to me.

I invite you to light a candle at 7pm for an hour on 15^th October and bring about a wave of love and healing.

It truly is my honour to offer support to women after baby loss with Abdominal Massage, EFT, Aromatherapy and Menstrual Cycle Awareness.

Stepping into Power as the Lights Dim

Posted on 26 September 201722 September 2020 by Leora Leboff

“As the year rolls on and autumn arrives, all of nature prepares for fruition and going to seed, or to store up reserves for the winter” (The Language of Plants, Julia Graves)

It’s Autumn Equinox here in the northern hemisphere. Before our energy sinks into the gradually decreasing hours of light, we can find balance in the equal hours of light and dark today. It’s a beautiful time to take stock of the year; while the fields are being harvested, what can you reap from the past months?

As our outer focus shifts from the external pleasures of summer, we turn to a more inward-looking state of being.

The yearly seasons mirror so beautifully, our menstrual cycle, with our pre-menstruum being our inner autumn. But…

If you ask a group of women when their least favourite time in their cycle is, almost always there is a unanimous show of hands for the premenstrual phase.

It’s kind of understandable. We rage. We lose our filters, as the truth speaker in us is unleashed. We may question pretty much everything around us; from our relationships to our ability to do our job, to feeling that nothing we say or do is worthwhile. Without a container of awareness, this phase is disconcerting, disquieting and raw.

Our inner autumn is also the home of the inner critic; part of our shadow side that dances with glee as it feeds our rage, encourages our feelings of worthlessness, and at its worst can have us clinging to our sanity.

With a nod to the Julia Graves quote above, we can genuinely feel as though we are “going to seed” at this point in our cycle. But as the rest of her quote says, autumn is a time when we have the opportunity to store up reserves for winter. In menstrual cycle awareness terms, we can store up reserves for our inner winter, our time of menstruation.

By paying close attention to our needs in our inner autumn, the pre-menstruum can be a deeply potent time in our cycle. We can still be discerning truth speakers, but more directional and with awareness.

We can own this powerful time in our cycle, rather than apologise for it.

To add more juice to the picture, perimenopause is our Life Autumn, often with a more distilled and intense flavour of our premenstrual phase. The oils suggested here would work just as beautifully in perimenopause.

To ease these passages to power, we might need some sturdy support around us. Essential oils can be a firm ally to have by our side if it all goes wobbly.

Enjoy a selection of autumn supportive oils:

Clary Sage (Salvia sclarea)

In plant form the flowers of clary sage form a spikey tip to their pinky purple and heart-shaped bloom. The leaves, with their downy hairs, cup the flowers from underneath, in a show of tender support. Perfect for our premenstrual phase.

As an essential oil, clary sage, has a warm, musky and herbaceous aroma. But it’s talent lies in it’s actions – being deeply grounding and holding, yet uplifting. As Gabriel Mojay shares: “The earthy quality of (the oil) reflects its ability to both steady the mind and reassure: while its gentle pungency enlivens the senses and dispels illusion, restoring the clarity echoed by it’s name” (Aromatherapy for Healing the Spirit, Gabriel Mojay). The description reads like a balm to the sometimes deeply unkind work of the inner critic.

The pre-menstruum, a time when the outer lights go down and the inner lights brighten, pulls us towards greater intuition. Valerie Ann Worwood invites us to hear the “whisper” of clary sage: “…be at ease, and focus on contacting the inner spirit” (The Fragrant Heavens)

For a beautifully feminine and holding massage blend for inner autumn try: clary sage, geranium and black pepper

Clary sage also enjoys spending time with sandalwood, cypress, bergamot, and grapefruit.

Frankincense (Boswellia carterii)

Distilled from the resin of the Boswellia tree, with it’s sweet, rich but fresh aroma, the oil holds a special place in my heart. If an essential oil could hold out its arms and offer a hug with genuine love, it would be frankincense.

As Valerie Ann Worwood shares, frankincense is “…like an ever-watchful older friend capable of support in a wide range of circumstances. But, like a vigilant parent, it will not let us go where we are not ready to go.” (The Fragrant Heavens)

The incense resin has it’s place in spiritual tradition, but the essential oil is also “…an ideal aid to mediation, contemplation, and prayer, ceasing mental chatter and stilling the mind. Facilitating a state of single-pointed concentration, it allows the Spirit to soar” (Aromatherapy for Healing the Spirit, Gabriel Mojay) When the mental chatter can turn quite vicious, seeking out frankincense can be an act of kindness in your pre-menstruum.

Frankincense cozies up well with so many other oils. But for a supportive inner autumn blend, clary sage, sandalwood (another oil that enjoys offering a nurturing hug) and bergamot will give you a place to ease your premenstrual disquiet.

Pine (Pinus sylvestris)

Picture the scotch pine, with it’s cluster of evergreen needles, the tree and its fresh, crisp and clean essential oil makes it an ally in supporting you when you’re feeling easily “needled” in your premenstrual phase.

Pine encourages us to trust, ease in to more self-confidence and helps to hold the tension, and more. Gabriel Mojay suggests pine as supportive in “Restoring emotional positivity and “boundary”, as well as our ability to “process” experience, pine works to dissipate both negative self-image and feelings of remorse, replacing guilt with forgiveness and self-acceptance” (Aromatherapy for Healing the Spirit)

Blending pine with frankincense and clary sage, the other oils explored here, would create a truly holding blend.

For a lighter blend, try vapourising pine, grapefruit and juniper.

Who knows what kind of powerful places you can inhabit, with your psyche supported with these beautiful oils…

To support your inner autumn experience, try vapourising the oils, or mix a few drops with Epsom salt or milk and have a soak in the bath. Or perhaps you would love an an Aromatherapy Massage and have a bespoke massage blend created for you, to meet your needs for that day.

The safety stuff:

Clary Sage should not be used in pregnancy, unless under the care of an Aromatherapist
If you have endometriosis, fibroids or other oestrogen led conditions, please consult with an Aromatherapist before using clary sage
Always dilute essential oils. A 1% dilution is the safest. In 15mls (a tablespoon) of base oil (sunflower oil, coconut oil are popular) add 5 drops of essential oil.
To make a blend of the oils featured here, you may choose 1 drop of clary sage, 2 drops of frankincense and 2 drops of pine in 15mls of base oil.
The old adage of less is more holds true when using essential oils, as over time, skin sensitivity can be increased.
Essential oils should not be ingested, unless under the care of a Clinical Aromatherapist who will prepare the oils to avoid irritation of the digestive system.
When vapourising, do so in an airy room, for not more than 10-15 minutes.

If you would love to explore your menstrual, fertility or menopause health, with a bespoke blend of essential oils created each time you visit, have a peruse at Aura Mama to see how you can be supported.

And for more information on menstrual cycle awareness enjoy this link