Harry, My Angel
***Trigger warning. Contains description of baby loss***
The blue lines
Announce your presence.
But I know you are
With me,
Before
Any pee on a stick
Proudly
Displays life.
~
Such a quiet
Soul
In my womb.
Always quiet.
All 21 weeks
We are together.
~
Your peacefulness
Tells me
There is unease.
That you’re not meant to stay.
~
But,
When we hear
The words
“Anomalies”,
“Termination”,
“Decisions”,
A knowing shock
Overtakes me.
~
Awake with you
For the week
I still
Hold you
In my womb.
Still giving you life.
~
The day arrives.
Remember, remember
The fifth of November.
A homely room
For two.
No, for three.
~
“Take this pill”
They say.
The pill
To ensure
You are
Born sleeping.
Too shocking
To comprehend
~
You come
Earthside
That same day.
~
“You don’t
Have to endure
Pain”
They say.
~
A live birth,
In another room,
Means
No pain relief.
For hours.
~
Oh the blinding
Pain.
Until finally,
The big needle
Gives some respite.
~
Fireworks
Explode outside.
While inside
Oh so peacefully,
You arrive.
Silent.
Forever sleeping.
So tiny.
~
Dressed as an
Angel,
I hold you close.
I kiss you.
~
We say goodbye.
And then,
They take away
Your physical body
~
There are no tears.
Just a chasm,
So deep,
No emotion
Can surface.
~
No baby
To hold
On the journey home,
After birth.
Just your tiny
Hand and footprints.
~
In the days after,
Life-giving milk
Flows
From my breasts.
How utterly
Futile.
~
But still no tears.
Until I see
Your toy-sized
Casket.
And finally,
We weep.
~
“ARC is the only national charity helping parents and healthcare professionals through antenatal screening and its consequences
Around 800,000 women in the UK become pregnant each year. More than 40,000 will be told there is a risk their baby has a serious fetal anomaly. Naturally, this causes a great deal of anxiety and uncertainty. Most parents will ultimately be reassured the pregnancy is progressing as expected. Sadly, some will receive the devastating news that their baby has a serious, sometimes lethal condition or might be told that the outlook is very uncertain.
ARC offers non-directive information and support to parents before, during and after antenatal screening; when they are told their baby has an anomaly; when they are making difficult decisions about continuing with or ending a pregnancy, and when they are coping with complex and painful issues after making a decision, including bereavement.”